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| [ The Augusta Chronicle] |
3/31/15
3/30/15
Barack Obama's Diary: My mortifying stumble
Dear Diary: I am mortified. One thing of which I have been most proud of since I assumed the mantle of the Presidency, is my gazelle-like elegance descending the stairs of Air Force One, never touching a side-rail, never stumbling... the very essence of athleticism. But today... disaster struck as I stepped out onto the stairs on my return from Florida. I stumbled, quickly recovered, but the spiteful media have been replaying it ever since, with the unspoken implication that I had been hitting the sauce on the flight north. Bastards.
Lurch, viewed from Down Under
BH, our man in Sydney, sends this link to the excellent columnist Andrew Bolt who describes John Kerry as an "irrational, superstitious catastrophist"
3/28/15
Joke of the Day...
TG writes: "I never send chain letters, but this one really works!
You will be offered sex by simply passing it on.
Here’s what to do:
Send an email with the Subject: “Obama Loves You”
to ten recipients. At least nine of them will reply,
telling you to go f*ck yourself."
You will be offered sex by simply passing it on.
Here’s what to do:
Send an email with the Subject: “Obama Loves You”
to ten recipients. At least nine of them will reply,
telling you to go f*ck yourself."
3/27/15
Fauxcahontas gains as Hillary stumbles
"Wheels coming off a Hillary Clinton campaign is not something unexpected. But this is very early for a meltdown. A new CBS poll is out showing only a quarter of Americans have a favorable opinion of Clinton and less than half think she is honest. "These are not the numbers of a front runner. Watch Elizabeth Warren closely," writes Keith Koffler of White House Dossier.
Dim Crims: shot fired over missing bacon
A jury found a Michigan woman guilty of firing a shot into a McDonald’s drive-thru window after employees failed to put bacon on a cheeseburger she ordered.
Shaneka Monique Torres, 30, was convicted of a felony firearms charge after only an hour of deliberations by the panel. Torre faces a minimum of two years in state prison when she is sentenced next month.
Torres fired a single shot into the McDonald’s at 3:10 AM last February 10, according to Grand Rapids police. The gunplay came after Torres and another woman “complained that the order was incorrect,” cops noted.
When a McDonald’s employee walked away from the drive-thru window, “one shot was fired from the suspect vehicle,” reported police, who added that the bullet entered the eatery at “head level” and “traveled through the window, across the dining room, and exited the restaurant through another window on the east side of the restaurant.”
Shaneka Monique Torres, 30, was convicted of a felony firearms charge after only an hour of deliberations by the panel. Torre faces a minimum of two years in state prison when she is sentenced next month.
Torres fired a single shot into the McDonald’s at 3:10 AM last February 10, according to Grand Rapids police. The gunplay came after Torres and another woman “complained that the order was incorrect,” cops noted.
When a McDonald’s employee walked away from the drive-thru window, “one shot was fired from the suspect vehicle,” reported police, who added that the bullet entered the eatery at “head level” and “traveled through the window, across the dining room, and exited the restaurant through another window on the east side of the restaurant.”
3/26/15
3/25/15
3/24/15
Obama puts Israel in 'mortal jeopardy'
The White House is playing with fire, says Keith Koffler of White House Dossier. "All Israel has is America. And now, with America about to deliver to the Iranians a nuclear weapon and hoping to hand the Palestinians a state, Israel is in mortal jeopardy...." [Read it all]
3/23/15
3/21/15
Progress Notes for Patient 54-04-163, OBAMA, Barack, H.
?/21/2015: Just when I thought I had a day clear of patients, Valerie Jarrett called, unusually agitated: "Doctor Rink, can you manage a home visit ASAP?
"Of course," I replied. Tedious as ministering to the needs of the Commander-in-Chief can be, there is the advantage that his medical bills are picked up by the military and promptly paid, which, in the era of Obamacare, is something devoutly to be wished for. Valjar led me into the President's family apartment where he had assumed his characteristic fetal position, face down on the hideous brown sofa, sobbing into the faux velvet. I raised a quizzical eye towards Valjar. "He phoned Netanyahu to scold him," she said . "But there was a bellow over phone from Tel Aviv and your Patient immediately abandoned his mission and retreated here, sobbing."
I administered the usual modest dose of Ativan "He should sleep now," I said, and left the room, Dictated by S.H.Rink M.D.
"Of course," I replied. Tedious as ministering to the needs of the Commander-in-Chief can be, there is the advantage that his medical bills are picked up by the military and promptly paid, which, in the era of Obamacare, is something devoutly to be wished for. Valjar led me into the President's family apartment where he had assumed his characteristic fetal position, face down on the hideous brown sofa, sobbing into the faux velvet. I raised a quizzical eye towards Valjar. "He phoned Netanyahu to scold him," she said . "But there was a bellow over phone from Tel Aviv and your Patient immediately abandoned his mission and retreated here, sobbing."
I administered the usual modest dose of Ativan "He should sleep now," I said, and left the room, Dictated by S.H.Rink M.D.
3/20/15
3/19/15
Obama-- here's your key to job creation
"Britain has gone from having mass unemployment to jobs galore. Unemployment is falling at a rate that confounds the economists, and employers are starting to panic. Maths teachers, chefs — the list of ‘shortage occupations’ grows ever longer. Construction companies are not tendering for work in London because they can’t find bricklayers. Financially this is a headache, but economically it’s a problem of success. The Prime Minister set out to get rid of the deficit. He failed. But instead he has presided over a jobs miracle — one that economists and policymakers are still struggling to understand, reports The Spectator. "David Cameron can take credit for creating more jobs than any first-term prime minister in postwar history.
Against this backdrop, this week’s Budget wheezes pale into insignificance. Yet still the government prefers to focus on the smoke and mirrors than on its genuine and staggering success with jobs. Last month, Iain Duncan Smith briefed the House of Lords on all the progress and was given a standing ovation. And a few awkward questions. ‘This was all new to us and we’re Tory peers,’ said one present. ‘We wanted to know: why isn’t the party talking about this?’ Ministers are being asked to behave like pull-string dolls, repeating the nebulous phrase ‘long-term economic plan’ when asked a question about sport. It sounds like spin. The irony is that it conceals a genuine achievement of radical Conservatism..."
Joke of the Day...
Stereotype alert: Wong Chow calls into work and says, "I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work." Wong's boss says, "you know something, Wong Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.Two hours later Wong Chow calls again, "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house." [RK]
3/18/15
3/17/15
Barack Obama's Diary:Oops....my bid to soothe Bibi backfires
Dear Diary: Damn, damn, damn...a thousand times, damn! Bibi appears to have prevailed overwhelmingly in the Israeli elections, despite my Administration's best efforts which will have only further enraged him, and will make him even more of a thorn in my side. Perhaps I could lessen this with a warm congratulatory phone call over breakfast, I reasoned When my Honeywheat Cheerios arrived, I speed-dialed Bibi. "Congratulations!" I declared, "on your triumphant election." There was dead silence from the other end. "Obama" came a familiar voice,"Have you any idea what time it is here?" "Google it, Bozo....and enjoy your cyanide" The line went dead.
3/16/15
3/14/15
Satire alert: Hillary's emails exposed!
Keith Koffler's White House Dossier hired a team of unemployed, stoned geeks for cheap – and unlimited munchies – to hack into Hillary Clinton’s server. They succeeded in downloading several hundred emails before someone from LifeLock called.
Here are a few of Hillary’s “private” emails sent as Secretary of State:
*****************
From: Bill [bubba@clintonemail.com]
To: Hillary [hdr22@clintonemail.com]
Subject: Re: Sexy!
Date: October 10, 2009, 6:20 pm
You were killing me with that pantsuit today.
On Oct. 10, 2009 at 6:21 pm, Hillary [hdr22@clintonemail.com] wrote:
Oh, stop.
On Oct. 10, 2009 at 6:22 pm, Bill [bubba@clintonemail.com] wrote:
No really.
On Oct. 10, 2009 at 6:23 pm, Hillary [hdr22@clintonemail.com] wrote:
Oh do go on.
On Oct. 10, 2009 at 6:26 pm, Bill [bubba@clintonemail.com] wrote:
I mean, I really liked the salmon one. But hospital green is just your color.
On Oct. 10, 2009 at 6:27 pm, Hillary [hdr22@clintonemail.com] wrote:
I think you’re right.
On Oct. 10, 2009 at 6:32 pm, Bill [bubba@clintonemail.com] wrote:
It matches your eyes.
On Oct. 10, 2009 at 6:32 pm, Hillary [hdr22@clintonemail.com] wrote:
My eyes are blue.
On Oct. 10, 2 Read it all
Here are a few of Hillary’s “private” emails sent as Secretary of State:
*****************
From: Bill [bubba@clintonemail.com]
To: Hillary [hdr22@clintonemail.com]
Subject: Re: Sexy!
Date: October 10, 2009, 6:20 pm
You were killing me with that pantsuit today.
On Oct. 10, 2009 at 6:21 pm, Hillary [hdr22@clintonemail.com] wrote:
Oh, stop.
On Oct. 10, 2009 at 6:22 pm, Bill [bubba@clintonemail.com] wrote:
No really.
On Oct. 10, 2009 at 6:23 pm, Hillary [hdr22@clintonemail.com] wrote:
Oh do go on.
On Oct. 10, 2009 at 6:26 pm, Bill [bubba@clintonemail.com] wrote:
I mean, I really liked the salmon one. But hospital green is just your color.
On Oct. 10, 2009 at 6:27 pm, Hillary [hdr22@clintonemail.com] wrote:
I think you’re right.
On Oct. 10, 2009 at 6:32 pm, Bill [bubba@clintonemail.com] wrote:
It matches your eyes.
On Oct. 10, 2009 at 6:32 pm, Hillary [hdr22@clintonemail.com] wrote:
My eyes are blue.
On Oct. 10, 2 Read it all
3/13/15
Kerry lurches out of history
T.G., our eagle-eyed Alaska contributor sends a link to this:
"There are just some people
in this nation
in this nation
who never seem to go away
- or change.
- or change.
Just who is that guy standing next to "Hanoi Jane" Fonda at an anti-war protest rally back in the 70's?*Golly Gee!!, Why it is none other than our very own Secretary of State, the (dis) "honorable" Comrade John Kerry.
NOW AIN'T THAT SPECIAL!!!!Just wanted to refresh your memory regarding the quality of the current
White House administration.
3/11/15
Barack Obama's Diary: My new ganja ruse works brilliantly
Today, I tried a cunning new ruse to increase my ganja supply. I persuaded Marv Nicholson to go out to a party with some of my Secret Service protective detail, pick up some weed and return with them to the White House, knowing they would all be waved through without query. Predictably, two of the Secret Service's drivers overdid the bourbon/rocks and their massive midnight-blue Suburbans collided with some crowd barriers at the White House entrance. But, even so, they were waved through without question. So simple! Thus was my ganja supply replenished for the foreseeable future. I'm so clever, I could hug myself and I probably will. Tonight...tonight....I'll smoke a spliff tonight...and hope Dr. S.H. Rink doesn't come visiting and scold me for mixing weed with his sedatives.
Barack Obama's Diary: My ganja airlift continues
I have been trying using overwhelming odds against the Secret Service in my efforts to fly in more ganja with a fleet of drones. I have set the Rules of Engagement impossibly high which ensures that some drones get through to the White House roof where my aides like Marvelous Marv are waiting to spirit them away into the messenger-pigeon loft which is kept for emergency communication with the Pentagon in the wake of a nuclear-powered Electro-Magnetic Pulse which would cripple all electronic equipment. This was Joe Biden's idea, which we introduced to keep the old coot occupied feeding them and feeling useful..
3/10/15
3/9/15
Socialist medicine: No staff? Just call the cops
Vulnerable seniors are being locked in police cells when Britain's under-staffed National Health Service cannot cope with them. A shocking official report reveals that a 90-year-old dementia sufferer was put in custody after he fought with his carers. In another desperate case, a 75-year-old with multiple health problems was detained even against the advice of his doctor. The examples were uncovered by watchdogs investigating police treatment of the elderly, the mentally ill and children. Read it all
The Dung Beetle Award goes to...
The Academy of Dung Beetles' Award is being rolled towards the latest version of a top-selling study guide for the Advanced Placement European History exam which explains the French Revolution with a chart which identifies Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas as a fascist and pairs him with the Ku Klux Klan. “Barron’s AP European History” (7th edition) makes the claim, intended for consumption by American high school students, on page 168. The chart attempts to compare modern American political affiliations with the various factions involved in the French Revolution. The chart moves politically from left to right. The far right of the chart is labeled “fascist.” The authors demonstrate modern-day “fascists” by pairing “Clarence Thomas and the KKK” in the same box. [ECS]
3/8/15
Barack Obama's Diary: Kaboom! My stubborn pursuit of ganja continues
Alas, Marv Nicholson ultimately declined to take me out in his white Civic to hunt down some of the weed that dealers are now selling near schools in DC. But, being the stalwart guy that he is, he promised to persuade the operator of a food truck near the White House to keep a supply of this essential item for White House staff, Secret Service personnel and other assorted ne'er-do-wells.
I dispatched Marv with a fat bankroll to stock-up for me. Soon afterwards there was a loud explosion...and the Secret Service locked down the White House, as I hid in my usual refuge: the notorious Lewinsky masturbatorium. Apparently the truck operator had allowed his propane stove to extinguish itself during the transaction with Marv and the build-up of unburned propane had caused a minor explosion. I've been able to replenish my weed in the secret compartment of the Resolute Desk in which Teddy Roosevelt is reputed to have kept that legendary big stick which he carried around while speaking so softly.
3/7/15
Dim Crims: Man calls 911 over his missing cocaine
Robert Collins, 39, dialed the police to report the cocaine theft, according to an Alliance Police Department report. When officers arrived at Collins’s residence, he apparently had a change of heart and “refused to tell police why he called 911.”
Investigators reported that Collins, who “had a marijuana pipe in his possession,” was “arrested and charged with misuse of 911 and possessing drug paraphernalia.”
Carolla defiant about 'incorrect' humor
In an interview with HuffPost Live Thursday, comedian Adam Carolla declared that he will no longer apologize for jokes others find offensive, particularly jokes relating to race and LGBT issues, reports HuffPost Gay Voices.
Known for his highly politically incorrect slant toward race relations and LGBT issues, Carolla has since become a target of censorship happy leftists who have since created a Tumblr blog called Calling Out Carolla, which supposedly documents past "anti-LGBT language" the comedian has used. When asked about his opinion on the blog, Carolla made no concessions for the sake of feelings.
"Go find a politician or somebody who's in charge and poke a popsicle stick up their butt," Carolla said. "I'm a comedian. I'm done apologizing, I really am. ... And by the way, everyone who apologizes is faking it. They're only doing it because they're gonna get canned."
Carolla then emphasized that people are responsible for their own offenses and their feelings are not necessarily his fault.
"You are in charge of your own feelings," he continued. "I'm not in charge of your feelings. I'm here to make jokes. I'm here to make commentaries. I'm here to share my opinions. Tough shit if you don't like it."
Responding to claims that he can't make such jokes because of his "white privilege," Carolla went into his poverty-stricken past.
"I worked cleaning up garbage on construction sites. I got welfare and food stamps. I was as poor as it could be," Carolla said. "And there's no, 'Oh, you don't have to dig because you're white.' ... There's no, 'You don't have to pick up garbage because you're white.' No, you pick up garbage because you're poor. You guys focus on color. Focus on poverty."
Carolla then emphasized that focusing on his jokes does more harm than good, because it distracts from the real racists and real homophobes.
"There's never been a better time in this country's history to actually be a racist, because I'm a racist, according to you guys. So if I'm a racist -- a guy who's never done anything bad to any race -- and you get to go be a racist too, and I'll be the racist and I'll take the heat [in the media]," Carolla said. "If you're an actual racist, these are your salad days, because you're busy pointing at comedians, calling them racist."
Known for his highly politically incorrect slant toward race relations and LGBT issues, Carolla has since become a target of censorship happy leftists who have since created a Tumblr blog called Calling Out Carolla, which supposedly documents past "anti-LGBT language" the comedian has used. When asked about his opinion on the blog, Carolla made no concessions for the sake of feelings.
"Go find a politician or somebody who's in charge and poke a popsicle stick up their butt," Carolla said. "I'm a comedian. I'm done apologizing, I really am. ... And by the way, everyone who apologizes is faking it. They're only doing it because they're gonna get canned."
Carolla then emphasized that people are responsible for their own offenses and their feelings are not necessarily his fault.
"You are in charge of your own feelings," he continued. "I'm not in charge of your feelings. I'm here to make jokes. I'm here to make commentaries. I'm here to share my opinions. Tough shit if you don't like it."
Responding to claims that he can't make such jokes because of his "white privilege," Carolla went into his poverty-stricken past.
"I worked cleaning up garbage on construction sites. I got welfare and food stamps. I was as poor as it could be," Carolla said. "And there's no, 'Oh, you don't have to dig because you're white.' ... There's no, 'You don't have to pick up garbage because you're white.' No, you pick up garbage because you're poor. You guys focus on color. Focus on poverty."
Carolla then emphasized that focusing on his jokes does more harm than good, because it distracts from the real racists and real homophobes.
"There's never been a better time in this country's history to actually be a racist, because I'm a racist, according to you guys. So if I'm a racist -- a guy who's never done anything bad to any race -- and you get to go be a racist too, and I'll be the racist and I'll take the heat [in the media]," Carolla said. "If you're an actual racist, these are your salad days, because you're busy pointing at comedians, calling them racist."
3/6/15
3/5/15
What will become of Bruce's balls?
Our all-seeing man in Alaska, TG, sends this: "Over the past year a rash of news stories surfaced speculating whether gold-medal winning Olympic decathlete Bruce Jenner was undergoing a gender transition from male to female. Though Jenner has yet to publicly confirm the story, members of his extended family, including the Kardashian clan, have recently approached various news outlets confirming Jenner's intentions.
Now it appears a number of world leaders have picked up on the story and are wondering aloud "What will happen to Jenner's balls if he completes the transition?" Sources this week quoted Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu as suggesting it would be a monumental step if Jenner were to donate his balls to U.S. President Barack Obama. Netanyahu stated "Everyone knows Obama has no balls and it would be damn nice if he suddenly had Olympic sized balls. It would be a huge step forward for world peace.”
German Chancellor Angela Merkel remarked " I don't even have any balls, but everyone tells me I have a bigger set than Obama. I think it would be a great idea.”
On the other hand, Russian President Vladimir Putin joined Syrian President Bashar Assad in proclaiming that Obama's lack of balls has finally enabled a number of regimes worldwide a fair chance to consolidate their power. Putin, on a shirtless fly fishing expedition in Kanchatka, said "The days of U.S. Presidents with big balls like Reagan are over. Now it's our turn.“
Iranian President Hassan Rouhani remarked earlier in the week that "It's been great the last six years. It's like playing soccer against the U.S. with no goalie in their net ”
While world leaders debate the issue, closer to home New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick and Super Bowl MVP quarterback Tom Brady stepped forward to say they would each donate one ball to the President if Jenner does not come through. Belichick, however, cautioned that "The President would have to understand, our balls would be underinflated, but still probably an improvement over what he seems to be working with." Read it all.
Why Bibi loathes Obama... and vice versa
Our man in Sydney, Australia, BH, sends us this link to a thoughtful and insightful piece from The Times of Israel
3/4/15
3/3/15
Bibi is 'everything Obama is not'
Opening his show Tuesday, Rush Limbaugh bellowed: “Wow…holy wow” in response to Benjamin Netanyahu's Congress address, telling his audience that Netanyahu is “everything Barack Obama is not.”
“The optics of this speech were just so overwhelmingly powerful. When I say ‘What could have been,’ this was leadership. This was leadership in full force,” Limbaugh said.
“Benjamin Netanyahu today was everything Barack Obama is not,” Limbaugh continued. “Everything. This speech today even featured Netanyahu turning to a guest in the gallery, much like presidents who deliver State of the Union speeches. Netanyahu’s guest, Elie Wiesel, a Holocaust survivor.”
“The optics of this speech were just so overwhelmingly powerful. When I say ‘What could have been,’ this was leadership. This was leadership in full force,” Limbaugh said.
“Benjamin Netanyahu today was everything Barack Obama is not,” Limbaugh continued. “Everything. This speech today even featured Netanyahu turning to a guest in the gallery, much like presidents who deliver State of the Union speeches. Netanyahu’s guest, Elie Wiesel, a Holocaust survivor.”
3/2/15
Progress Notes for Patient 540463: OBAMA, Barack, H.
3/4/2015: I had prescribed a vacation for myself and Mrs Rink a couple weeks ago, before the Prime Patient's escalating neuroses finally blew off the top of my head. However, it was a futile exercise as we arrived back just as Netanyahu flew in from Tel Aviv. I could tell immediately that Patient had been smoking weed. I entered the family apartment to find Patient in his accustomed state of meltdown, face down on the hideous brown sofa, weakly pounding the faux velvet with his fists, imploring the empty room: "Will no-one rid me of this tempestuous Prime Minister?"
Valerie Jarrett materialized. "Barry," she said soothingly, "Dr. Rink will give you a mild sedative, so you awake refreshed for the rigors of tomorrow." She gave me a knowing look and I complied, injecting a modest dose of Ativan, then retired to my little suite one floor below, on call for emergencies.---Dictated by S.H.Rink, M.D.
Boehner's tearful tribute: 'Bibi, our closest ally against Obama'
John Boehner paid a warm tribute to Bibi Netanyahu at a press conference today. Netanyahu had equally high praise for Boehner, saying that “no one has been more steadfast and dedicated in the struggle against your President.”
“This foe is not to be trusted or appeased,” Netanyahu said. “Your resolute refusal to find any common ground with him whatsoever has earned my undying respect.”
As the press conference ended, Boehner appeared to fight back tears as he called Netanyahu “a brother in arms” in ongoing hostilities with Obama.
“A wise man once said that my enemy’s enemy is my friend,” Boehner said, choking up. “You, sir, are my best friend in the world.”
“This foe is not to be trusted or appeased,” Netanyahu said. “Your resolute refusal to find any common ground with him whatsoever has earned my undying respect.”
As the press conference ended, Boehner appeared to fight back tears as he called Netanyahu “a brother in arms” in ongoing hostilities with Obama.
“A wise man once said that my enemy’s enemy is my friend,” Boehner said, choking up. “You, sir, are my best friend in the world.”