Dear Journal: Young Barack put what he said was a cyanide capsule next to my iced-water at lunch yesterday. Then he said: "Just kidding, Joe" and it turned out to be Prilosec. So this old geezer lives to fight another day, free from indigestion. Meanwhile I see that there is some GOP guy in Missouri who is creating a storm about rape. Last I heard it was that Wikileaks guy, Julian Assange, who was the one creating a storm about rape and Sweden wanted him extradited from Britain. But what does "Plugs" Biden know about such things? They are circulated through the administration on a "need to know" basis. Jarrett and Axelrod say I don't "need to know" most things, for fear that I'll inadvertently publicly speak the truth (known around here as "committing a gaffe.") It seems I still do have my uses, as I have been delegated to act as as a distraction commentator in Tampa during the Republican National Convention next week. Watch out GOP, I'm soon gon' have y'all back in chains...