Dear Diary: I barely had time for a nap on the way to Berlin from Belfast. After Air Force One had landed I was whisked away to the famed Brandenburg Gate to address the German people. Angular Merkel was waiting to greet me. I raised my right arm, palm facing forward, in the traditional German salute. "Heil, Angular" I said and, before I could lower my arm she had grabbed my right hand and crushed it in an iron grip, even more formidable than Putin's. "Shaddup," she said through clenched teeth while feigning a welcoming smile. I turned to face the audience, a paltry crowd not befitting a statesman of my stature. This was the moment I had prepared for...the sound-bite that would follow me through history, like Kennedy's Ich bin ein Berliner or Ronald Reagan's Mr Gorbachev, tear down this wall."Angular Murphy" I proclaimed in ringing tones, "Open this gate." She turned to me and hissed: " It's already open, you moron." But enough about me.