Captain's Log 1/1/16: These are the voyages of Air Force One

1/1/16 : Our Mission: To boldly go where Nobama has Gone Before. Passenger-in-Chief has  requested that AF1 be flown to Joint Base Andrews, to take Valerie Jarrett to Hawaii for the purpose of supervising said Passenger-in-Chief who is behaving erratically after smoking a cannabis-derived substance named shatter. It will cost a few thousand bucks to stock the galley with food for ValJar and the crew, not to mention a small fortune in jet fuel supplied by the military.
No sooner  was ValJar aboard, than she stationed herself at  the main desk of the aerial Oval Office and began working the phones, starting with a call to Michelle Obama. This is a vast improvement on the behavior of our Passenger-in-Chief who usually  immediately invades the cockpit and causes untold chaos by issuing instructions like "rotate" in the middle of take-off. We have even considered having a dummy set of controls installed behind the captain's seat to keep the bird-brain amused.

Barack Obama's Diary: My Secret Service detail goes to 'Plan B'

I decided to collect dear Valerie Jarrett at Honolulu Airport. Marv Nicholson set it all up and we proceeded there by motorcade. Alas, some tiresome Secret Service agent spied a drone following us; I was bundled into one of four anonymous armored black Yukons in the motorcade to wait out Plan B, the much-rehearsed counter measures for  attack on a presidential motorcade. Up popped the electronic gun of The Beast which outperforms even a Gatling gun, pumping out bullets so precisely that several slugs travel down the barrel simultaneously, forming a river of lead. Exit drone.

Progress report on Patient 540463, Obama, Barack, H.

I was called away by Mark Nicholson  from dolphin-watching at my sumptuous hotel at Diamond Head, Oahu. Nicholson, was in a funk over Patient's condition. Apparently, at Patient's request, Marv had obtained some Shatter, a super-potent new form of cannabis dissolved in butane and Patient was hallucinating that he was floating around the International Space Station with astronaut Mark Kelly. I quickly ended that nonsense with a large shot of Ativan into patient's scrawny right buttock and sent him off to bed with his comfort blanket and Mrs Patient's angry cries ringing in his ears, Yikes! Talk about a bad trip... --- Dictated by S.H. Rink, M.D.

Barack Obama's Diary: ka-choom! I go into orbit

Yesterday, I asked my ultra-discreet trip director, Marv Nicholson, to obtain  for me a sample of Shatter.  a novelty in the marijuana market, made by dissolving cannabis oil in butane, thus creating an hugely potent  ultra-thin product that is readily concealed  and used to thwart busybodies like   Dr. S.H. Rink who injects me with a sedative at the vaguest hint that I have indulged in weed. Marv came through promptly, as I knew he would, and  even provided a glass pipe in which to smoke the shatter.  He wisely suggested that I wait for Valerie Jarrett to land on Oahu from DC  before lighting up.  Of course, I was much too impatient to wait.  Ka-choom! The effect  of the shatter was like being launched to the International Space Station without  benefit of a rocket.

Marvin makes a shattering discovery

Marvin Nicholson, my ever-obliging trip director, has marked a copy of the Wapo for my information. It describes an innovation in the marijuana market that involves dissolving cannabis oil in butane. The  brittle result is apparently called "shatter" because of its propensity for doing so.   I wrote "please obtain sample ASAP" in the margin. I knew that Miraculous Marv would come through with some,  and promptly. Yum!

Barack Obama's Diary: Dr Rink clips my wingz-zzzz...

Valerie Jarrett   arranged for Dr S.H. Rink to be flown to Oahu, because she feared that the island choom had unhinged me. Rink lost no time in dosing me to the gills with an injected sedative.  I retreated to the Presidential bed after asking Marv Nicholson, my amiable trip director, to find Badgie, my satin-edged comfort blanket and  to give him to me so I could rub Badgie against my care-worn Presidential cheeks, suck  on two fingers and take a restful nap.  "Thanks, Marv... Aaah....Badgie....num...num....zzzzz....num...num...zzzzzz... sweet Badgie....zzzzzzz.....

Progress notes for Patient 540463, Obama Barack, H.

Normally, I would have been furious at having my office schedule so casually  disrupted, but Patient's medical bills are  picked up by the military and  paid promptly -- something  warmly to be welcomed in these straightened times. --- dictated by S.H. Rink, M.D.

Barack Obama's Diary: Is that a drone I see above me?

Dear Diary:  I wasted no time  this morning hooking up with some old island buddies  for a round of  golf. But I could not shake off the disconcerting feeling of being watched.  In DC I  would have asked Valjar to call  in Dr Rink  to check me for evidence of paranoia. I asked my companions if they had noticed any drones nearby, but they shook their heads. I decided to call Val Jarrett anyway. as a precaution. and ask her  to fly Rink here ASAP.

Barack Obama's Diary: Aloha, Dr Rink

Here I am in Honolulu, caplital of choomland, beyond the reach of meddling medics like Dr S.H. Rink, free to play golf in a happy haze, puffing  on a fat spliff of Maui Gold.  This what I call a real vacation, unlike those namby-pamby photo-op bicycling breaks at Martha's Vineyard.

Progress notes for Patient 540463, Obama, Barack, H.

I was exasperated to find today that Patient has been self-medicating again,  with copious quantities of  cannabis which -- far from calming him down -- induce  heightened paranoia. I gave him a shot of Ativan and  left another to be administered  later by  Valerie Jarrett who, among her many other talents is an RN--- Dictated by S.H. Rink, M.D.

Cartoon: Nate Beeler

[The Columbus Dispatch]

Joke of the Day

 Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Is that Trump and Cruz  over there?' The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?' Cruz says, 'We're planning WW III.' The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?' Trump says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.' The guy protests: 'A blonde with a big tits? Why kill her?
"See," said  Trump. "no-one gives a crap about 140 million Muslims...."

Putin pumps Trump

Russian President Vladimir Putin on Thursday described Donald Trump as "talented" and "outstanding," welcoming his stance on Russia."He is a very outstanding man, unquestionably talented," Putin told journalists after his annual press conference in Moscow. "It's not up to us to judge his virtue, that is up to US voters, but he is the absolute leader of the presidential race," Putin added,  according to Agence France Presse.

Barack Obama's Diary -- choom to the rescue!

Dear Diary: I had been feeling bereft these past few days. Then I remembered the stash of  Choom stowed away in a secret compartment under the Resolute Desk where I suspect Teddy Rooseveldt  used to hide his Big Stick. I rolled myself a fat spliff, called the dogs and headed onto the South Lawn to  throw them tennis balls and consult my altered state of consciousness to get a second opinion about  my life. 

Progress Notes for Patient 540463: Obama, Barack, H.

i had yet another urgent call from Valerie Jarrett today, asking me to make a home visit to Patient's private family apartment. He was in a bad state when I got there. Eyes red-rimmed from weeping, voice hoarse with distress.  "Those Pentagon bastards have threatened me with a coup d'etat if I don't come up with a whole new strategy for dealing with ISIL What am I to do? Valjar suggested I give Bibi Netanyahu a call, which is a good idea, on the face of it. He's usually  hatching plans bloodthirsty enough to satiate the Pentagon hawks".-- Dictated by S.H. Rink, MD.

Barack Obama's Diary: How I showed the Pentagon brass who's boss

Dear Diary:  I had summoned the Pentagon's top brass to the Oval Office today  to reprimand  them for their role in permitting the San Bernadino massacre. "On the contrary," I was told. " We had no role whatsoever in permitting the massacre. So it will be you who will come to us." And so it came to pass that I visited the Pentagon today and was told --in no uncertain terms-- that this land needs a radically new approach to dealing with Jihad and ISIL and, if I don't come up with one quick, I will wake one morning soon with tanks surrounding the People's House. "Traitorous pigs," I said, unabashed. "You will rue this  day of infamy for the rest of your miserable lives."

Barack Obama's Diary: I cause calm to settle across this mighty land

An ineffable calm has descended upon this land due to my firm  and confident leadership  which has quenched people's  desperate thirst for guidance in the midst of chaos. Let us stay the course, my fellow Americans, we need all hands on deck, let us hold our heads high and place our faith in my demonstrated ability to deter terrorism, from sea to shining sea.

Progress Notes for Patient: 540463, Obama, Barack, H.

It has been a long time since I had a distressed call from Valerie Jarrett asking me to make a discreet visit to Patient's private apartment. The prospect of  addressing the Nation in the wake of the California massacre had apparently overwhelmed him. I found him lying face down on a hideous brown sectional sofa, beating feebly at the faux velvet.  I had come prepared with a hypodermic syringe--and a generous dose of  Ativan, a mild sedative which I immediately injected into one of Patient's scrawny buttocks. I warned  Jarrett that Patient  would now be in no condition to deliver a stirring speech. "Was he ever?" she shrugged.--- Dictated by S.H. Rink, M.D.

Cartoon: Rick McKee

[The Augusta Chronicle]

Barack Obama's Diary: How I stiffened the nation's spine

My closest aides were unanimous in pleading with me to  address the Nation in the wake of the San Bernadino attack. "Fine," I said, "but what countermeasures am I going to announce?"

"Oh just fudge it , Barry... stay the course...that sort of thing," advised Valerie Jarrett  who is who is a master of the art of  saying nothing while sounding profound. Remember all those red-lines I warned  Syria not to cross? That was Jarrett's genius in action...it  bought me a month of respite while keeping  the media off my back.

Barack Obama's Diary: Badgie whisks me away to the Land of Nod

Late  last night my nerves were still frazzled from  the  San Bernadino shootings,  so I retrieved Badgie, my pale-blue comfort blanket, from beneath the pillows on my side of our custom-made Presidentopedic and applied Badgie's satin edging to my cheek. I sucked  rhythmically on two fingers and within seconds I was floating away comfortably to the  Land of Nod.

Cartoon: Rick McKee

[The Augusta Chronicle]

Quack like Donald, advises GOP strategist

The Washington Post reports  that Donald Trump has become such a force in the Republican Party that the official overseeing next year’s Senate races has proposed a delicate strategy for GOP candidates: Tap into Trumpism without mimicking Trump.  In a seven-page confidential memo that imagines Trump as the party’s presidential nominee, NRSC Executive Director Ward Baker said Republicans should embrace Trump’s tough talk about China and “grab onto the best elements of [his] anti-Washington populist agenda.” Above all, they should appeal to voters as genuine and beyond the influence of special interests. [Read it all]