Dear Diary: I stepped onto the clear plastic carpet-protector and sat down on the buttoned leather
chair at the Resolute Desk and rolled it forward to make room for my closest advisers behind me. On the screen of my iPresidentophone I called up a list of contacts and, fighting to keep my finger steady, I selected Vladimir Putin. I put my phone on speaker so my advisers could hear the historic conversation. For a while, the only sound was the munching of John "Lurch" Kerry chewing an apple he had taken from a bowl on the coffee table. There was the distant sound of a ringtone. Then came Putin's voice. "Da? "Obamavich? Why in hell are you calling me for now? I've got an invasion to run.""That's exactly what I'm calling about, Vlad. I warned you publicly that if you interfered in Ukraine there would be costs."
" Bad boyz, bad boyz, what ya gonna do?" asked Putin, his voice thick with sarcasm."Whatya gonna do when they come for you? Have you been reading Warfare for Dummies by Idi Amin? You were the moron who dismantled half your nuclear force and believed us when we claimed to have done the same."
"Vlad, You mean you betrayed my trust?
"Bwaaaaaaha!ha! Obamavich, you pathetic leftist twerp. Whatcha gonna bomb us with now? Unicorns? Bwaaaha!ha! Welcome to the real world..."
"I'm getting really cross, Vladimir. Like when you dove under the surface of the swimming pool at one those G-something meetings and pulled my pants down to my ankles, leaving me to stuck in water until I could call an aide to pass me another pair."
" Piss off, Obamavich," I have armored divisions to direct." And just like that he disconnected. Rat bastard. But I have an ace up my sleeve. I'm going to send Lurch to Kiev to conduct negotiations. That droning voice will have them all begging to lay down their arms immediately. But enough about me.
