Barack Obama's Diary: cereal killer

Dear Diary: Valerie Jarrett says that Dr. Rink wants to raise his retainer. My medical treatment is paid for by the military, but if the vultures of the media  were  to discover that the cost of my psychiatric care  would buy a new MRAP vehicle every week...well what chance then of me becoming Director General of the UN?
I have admit that the Lucky Charms breakfast cereal I have been experimenting with for the past couple of weeks  has not been a noticeable improvement, so I have reverted to Froot Loops.  I had been hoping for some extra gusto to help me against Vladimir Pootin's regular and disparaging calls which are a form of psychological  warfare. He loves to patronize my relationships and disparage my abilities.  "How do you like my Olympics, Obamavich? he crowed this morning."Pretty impressive, huh? As the British say, Obamavich, you couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery." True, but enough about me. These cereal decisions may seem trivial on the surface, but they hone my intellect ready for the challenges I face as Commander-Chief.

Cartoon: Stilton Jarlsberg

Barack Obama's Diary: Diplomacy unzipped

Dear Diary: It's been a busy day  doing damage control after someone leaked a recording of Victoria Nuland on the phone with our ambassador in Ukraine.  Using  our accustomed  White House diplomatic speak, the Ambassador asked "What about the EU?"  and Nuland replied: "F*ck the EU."   I entirely agree with this but it has not gone down well with Angular Merkel or the French PM (I forget his name, but I mean the guy named Francois who can't keep it zipped up.) I first got wind of this when I was eating my breakfast cereal and my iPresidentophone  burst forth with a rendition of Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy, which I am now using , ironically)as President Pootin's ringtone.  "Obamavich!" He crowed and I immediately braced myself for some unpleasant  tidings. "Obamavich, if you thought you had exhausted your capacity to annoy German Prime Minister Merkel. You got it badly wrong. She is super-pissed off at a hacked conversation between your European deputy secretary of State Victoria Nuland  and your Ukraine ambassador in which Nuland used the F-word more than few times regarding the EU. This recording is purported  to have been attached to a  Kremlin  tweet.   "What a silly accusation, Obamavich...why would we do such a thing?  " Why, indeed!" said I, and hung up while I was in mid-reply -- a trick taught me by other community organizers about how to end a time-wasting call quickly. Disconnnect while you are talking, the other party  never dreams you've hung up on yourself.  But enough about me.

Dim Crims: Woman held for settng fire to puppies

A Las Vegas pet shop owner from South Korea who prosecutors say was seen on security cameras torching her store with 27 puppies inside was handcuffed and taken to jail on Friday after a judge raised her bail  from $40,000 to $310,000. Gloria Lee, 35, faces felony charges of arson, burglary and conspiracy, plus 27 counts of attempted animal cruelty that could be tried as felonies or misdemeanors. [Source]

Progress notes for Patient 540463, OBAMA Barack, H.

2/7/2014:  It is a truth universally acknowledged among shrinks that patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder [NPD] are the most difficult  and exasperating of all to treat. And so it is with my current primary patient. I discussed the case with Valerie Jarrett today to explain why I must raise my retainer and asked her if she recognized this description: Some people diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder are characterized by unwarranted feelings of self-importance. They have a sense of entitlement and demonstrate grandiosity in their beliefs and behavior. They have a strong need for admiration, but lack feelings of empathy." 
"The letters BHO come to mind" said Jarrett. "Exactly," I said.  "I can no longer provide house calls round the clock  to a patient who has never really acknowledged he even has NPD. "It is stressing me out."
"Charge what you want doctor," she said. "The military covers his medical bills." ---Dictated by S.H. Rink, M.D.

Barack Obama's Diary: Pootin' on a brave show

Dear Diary: I was interviewed by NBC's Bob Costas today. Costas asked if I had an 'icy' relationship with with Vladimir Putin. "Absolutely not" I said and then assured him there is a “surprising amount of humor”  between us. Of course I did not reveal our private nicknames: Obamavich and Pootin. By coincidence,  Pootin had called me earlier. As I was spooning down  my Lucky Charms.The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy tinkled from my specially-engraved and custom-made iPresidentophone. He apparently thought a cargo of U.S-made Greek-style yoghurt might be plastic explosive and had it held up at customs. "I don't trust you guys after you banned travelers to Sochi from having toothpaste, I suspect this is a dirty CIA trick to defame Russia by having reporters comment  on how everyone here has bad breath."after youContinue ReadingHe added that he has always been treated by Putin “with the utmost respect.” Read more: 

Dim Crims: Kiss seals thief's fate

Police have captured an admitted jewel thief in Paris, because he made the last-second mistake of planting a kiss on his hostage. In April the 20-year-old, identified only as "Pierre G," and an accomplice allegedly followed a 56-year-old jewelry store employee home, where they tied her to a chair. They then poured water over her head, saying that it was gasoline and threatening to burn her if she didn't give them the store's alarm codes.
The woman talked, and Pierre's accomplice went to swipe the jewels while Pierre stayed with the hostage. He untied her four hours later—and gave her a parting kiss on the cheek, in what police called "a sign of compassion after the terrible ordeal she'd just been through." The woman called the police immediately, and they swabbed her cheek for DNA. Months later they got a match, and they arrested the suspect. He admitted the deed, and said he'd kissed the woman to "ease her trauma."  [Source]    [BJS]

Cartoon: Glenn McCoy

Good news! ObamaCare will drive 2.5 million Americans out of workforce

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney claimed Wednesday that if 2.5 million Americans leave the workforce because of ObamaCare it would be good news, because they would no longer be “trapped in a job.” [Read more]     ECS

Barack Obama's Diary: Putin the Sugar Plum Fairy

Dear Diary: As an act of defiant mockery of Putin the Macho Man, I have changed his ring-tone to Tchaikovsky's Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy. And so it came to pass this morning that, as I was spooning down my Lucky Charms, the bell-like sound of a glockenspiel burst forth from my specially-engraved, custom-made iPresidentophone. "Good morning Vlad," I said [for it was he] How are you coping with our rainbow team of LGBT athletes? "
"No problem for us, Obamavich" said Vlad. "None of the Sochi hotel rooms have operational locks--for a good reason: "If your LGBTs are caught at their filthy practices, we will launch them down the ski-jump, with no clothes and no skis. This will provide our proletariat with hours  free  entertainment in return for the billions spent on the Sochi games." 

Actor withdraws Bubba allegation

Allegations that Bill Clinton had an  affair with British model and actress Elizabeth Hurley have been unreservedly withdrawn by actor Tom Sizemore. who blamed his drug addiction for the confusion. More here.] 

Deathblow for O-Care

The Affordable Care Act, a.k.a. ObamaCare, became law almost four years ago. It became operational last Oct. 1. Yesterday the ACA may well have been dealt its death blow, writes John Podhoretz. The Congressional Budget Office released a major study of the government’s budget and its effect on the overall economy over the next 10 years. In dull bureaucratic language, it delivers a devastating analysis of the inefficiencies, ineffectualities and problematic social costs of ObamaCare. The one-two punch: Virtually as many Americans will lack health coverage in 10 years as before the law was passed — but 2 million fewer will be working than if the law hadn’t passed. [More]

Joke of the Day...

A parrot is perched in a cage in front of a pet store.
A woman walks by and the parrot says to her:
"Hey, lady, you're butt ugly."
She storms past the store on her way to work
On the way home she sees the same parrot and it says the same thing.
The next day the same parrot again says to her:
"Hey, lady, you're butt ugly"
The woman storms into the store and threatens to sue to have the bird euthanized. The store manager promises he will see to it that the Parrot won't be rude again.
When the woman walked past the store after work the parrot called to her:
"Hey lady."
She paused and said: "Yes?"
The bird said:" Well.You know..." ---BH

Cartoon: Nate Beeler

[The Columbus Dispatch]

Crazy 'crats target weiner wagon

Rosie D’Rivera was 53, out of work and living through a tough economic time. When she couldn’t find work, she decided to take matters into her own hands and open a hot dog cart. But she didn't take bureaucrats into account. Rosie said she started the business out of desperation and definitely made some mistakes. "When I started this, I didn't do my research. It was out of desperation, like oh my God, what am I gonna do? How am I gonna make money. I gotta pay my mortgage. So I went in head first. A lot of people think this is an easy business," she explained. Today, she is the proud owner of Rosie’s Weenie Wagon, a food truck serving hot dogs to Englewood, New Jersey residents. She only has a peddler’s license from the city of Englewood, which has made it difficult for her to succeed.
The peddler’s license forces her to move her cart every 15 minutes. Efforts were made by the city to accommodate Rosie’s needs and allow her to stay, but a solution could not be found.