7/28/14

Where, oh where, is Obama?

Britain's Telegraph says: "Consider this: In recent days, a) Malaysia Airlines Flight 17 was shot down, apparently by Russian separatists in Ukraine, b) In the Gaza strip, the numbers killed continued to mount as Israelis and Palestinians exchange rocket fire, c) a huge influx of children fleeing Central American poverty and gang warfare swamped America’s southern border, creating a humanitarian crisis.

And, oh yeah, d) Christians living in Mosul were given the choice to either convert to Islam or flee the area they have inhabited for nearly two thousand years.

You know what else has happened during this time? a) Obama played many rounds of golf, b) he attended numerous fund-raisers, c) he dined on barbecue in Texas and burgers in Delaware, and d) he almost appeared on the comedian Jimmy Kimmel’s late-night television show in Hollywood.

Cartoon: Rick McKee

[The Augusta Chronicle]

Coming soon: Sarah Palin TV

Sarah Palin has unveiled a new subscription-based Internet TV network that promises direct access to her and her supporters, Variety reports. The Sarah Palin Channel, which costs $9.95 per month or $99.95 for a one-year subscription, will feature her commentary on “important issues facing the nation,” as well as behind-the-scenes looks into her personal life as “mother, grandmother, wife and neighbor.” Palin will serve as executive editor, overseeing all content.
“I want to talk directly to you on our channel, on my terms — and no need to please the powers that be,” Palin, who is also a Fox News contributor, said in a video announcing the channel: “Together, we’ll go beyond the sound bites and cut through the media’s politically correct filter.”  [Source]

Barack Obama's: Diary: The high road

Dear Diary: The situation nationally and internationally has become unmanageable because nobody will listen to me.  The answer came to me last evening as I inhaled a joint of blueberry yum-yum on the South lawn. I am increasingly worried that some crazed Republican is at this moment scouting for a suitable grassy knoll. Scary. then the solution came to me. I will substitute somebody else for me --an imposter, if you will.  It s a ruse used in the past by the appalling Churchill and others of global stature. But who could possibly  fill my shoes?  Fate took a hand after I returned to the Oval Office. Eric Withholder knocked on the door and entered. Perfect! Same skin-tone. Just remove his facial fuzz and he would pass for me, at a quick glance. "Eric," I said. "I have a brilliant plan for you."
"I am at your service, Dear Leader, he curtsied."Your word is my command."
"For a start, don't curtsy. It's unbecoming to a man. A little bow will suffice." But enough about Me.

7/25/14

Progress report on Patient No. 540463 OBAMA, Barack, H.

7/25/14:  I had planned to sleep late in my nifty little White House suite and order breakfast from the kitchen over the internal phone system. But barely had I drawn up a chair to a table laden with wholewheat toast, bacon, coffee and eggs over-easy, when the phone rang. It was Valerie Jarrett. " Come to the family quarters, quick as you can," she said. "He's having a full-on panic attack." I bounded up the stairs two at a time and found patient pointing mutely  at the window.  On the other side of the glass was a tiny flying machine. A drone!
"Tennis racquet, quick!" I told an ashen-faced Jarrett  who vanished, then reappeared in seconds bearing the requested item. I flung open  the window and brought the racquet down hard on the drone. It buzzed like a wounded bee then fell, crumpled, onto the South  Lawn. The Secret Service examined it and found a provocative Россия [Russia] inscribed upon its wings.  Patient, after he had recovered, declared it a maneuver by Vladimir Putin to unnerve him. Clearly, it had succeeded.  Dictated by S.H Rink, M.D.

Cartoon: Aftermath

[From Afterrmath]

7/24/14

Barack Obama's Diary: Who's your Daddy, Vladdy?

Dear Diary:  My day began with the expected arrogant call from Vlad Putin. "Watch it, Vlad" I said.  Knowing that he would call me, I had prepared advance notes so I would sound fluent and decisive: "We are stepping up sanctions in response to your militarism in Ukraine and the murder of scores of innocents blown out of the shy by your missiles. "You are a wicked man, Vladimir Putin. A very wicked man -- history will not remember  you kindly, unlike me, Barack Obama, whom the world already sees in a golden light and everybody from kings to peasants calls Hero."
Putin was breathing heavily and I could hear the entreaties of his mistress in the background, clearly audible on our new High Definition hotline: "Come to me Vladdy, my muscular dollink, and leave that American moron to his cereal and milk". But enough about me.

Dim Crims: Road rage man run over by own truck

A man who police say had been drinking was involved in a road rage incident during a downpour Tuesday evening and was injured when he was run over by his own pickup truck.
Joseph H. Carl, 48,  drove his truck into the rear of a vehicle in front of him that was stopped at a traffic light, according to a Gainesville, Florida, Police report.
Carl then jumped out and began banging on the driver's window and yelling at the woman inside, apparently neglecting to put his pickup into park.
The driver of the other vehicle was frightened and drove away, leaving nothing to hold back Carl's Dodge 1500 truck. The truck began to roll, and Carl, standing in front of the vehicle, put out his arms and tried to stop it, but it ran over him. Police and paramedics arrived, but Carl refused medical treatment, the report said. [Source]   [BJS]

The Dung Beetle Award goes to...

The Academy of Dung Beetles has rolled the Dung Beetle Award towards the editors of Roget's Thesaurus, the classic reference work of synonyms which now defines 'conservative' as synonymous with "obstructionist" [Source]   [ECS]

Cartoon: Rick McKee

[The Augusta Chronicle]

Cartoon: Rick McKee

[The Augusta Chronicle]

Anti-semitic riots sweep Paris

France’s politicians and community leaders have criticised the “intolerable” violence against Paris’ Jewish community, after a pro-Palestinian rally led to the vandalizing and looting of Jewish businesses and the burning of cars.
It is the third time in a week where pro-Palestinian activists have clashed with the city’s Jewish residents. On Sunday, locals reported chats of “Gas the Jews” and “Kill the Jews”, as rioters attacked businesses in the Sarcelles district, known as “little Jerusalem”.
Manuel Valls, France’s prime minister said: “What happened in Sarcelles is intolerable. An attack on a synagogue and on a kosher shop is simply anti-Semitism. Nothing in France can justify this violence.”



7/23/14

Progress Notes for Patient 540463, OBAMA, Barack, H.

7/23/14:  Valerie Jarrett called again to say Patient is still inconsolable. She suggested that I revert to our old arrangement where I would be provided with a  room so I would be on call for Patient in emergencies.  I visited Patient's family apartment and again found him in extreme  distress -- lying face down --not on the hideous brown sofa this time but on the floor, pounding  the indescribably ugly  pizza-patterned carpet. Between his bouts of cursing and wailing  I was able to determine that a new Fox News poll finds a 58 percent majority, including a third of Democrats, say the White House has not been competent at managing the federal government. "Woe," said Patient " Woe is me." I injected a modest dose of Ativan to calm him down. Then I phoned my office, leaving a  message that I might be late in  the morning. Dictated by M.H. Rink, M.D

Bam plays the Joker

Barack Obama styles himself a wit, and some of his best material lately has to do with his abuse of his powers.
“Middle-class families can’t wait for Republicans in Congress to do stuff,” Obama told a crowd on the Georgetown Waterfront on July 1. “So sue me.” Hilarity ensued.
He cracked them up in Austin last week. “You hear some of them,” he said, referring to Republicans, “‘sue him,’ ‘impeach him.’ Really? Really? For what? You’re going to sue me for doing my job?”
He must have killed in a private meeting last month with activists who were pushing him to waive more immigration laws. According to POLITICO, the president resorted to one his favorite comic riffs: “You’re not going to get me impeached, are you?”   Read more      [BJS]