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The Ego Has Landed:

Queen reclaims America

To the citizens  of the United States of America from Her Majesty  Queen Elizabeth II:  
In light of your  currrent  failure to financially manage yourselves and also, in recent years, your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents  and therefore not properly govern yourselves, we hereby  give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective  immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford  English Dictionary.)  Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over  all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas,  which she does not wish to acquire.)
 Your new Prime  Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America  without the need for further elections.   Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated  sometime next year to determine whether any of you  noticed.   To aid in the  transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules  are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as  'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you  will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the  letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix  '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your  vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up  'vocabulary'). 
 2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with  filler noises such as ''like' and 'you  know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of  communication. 
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.  (OK, we'll work out an arrangement on this point). 
4. You will  learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers,  or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers  and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be  independent.  Guns should only be used for shooting  grouse.  If you can't sort things out without suing  someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot  grouse. 
5. Therefore,  you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more  dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit  will be required if you wish to carry a  concealed vegetable peeler.
6. All  intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will  start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At  the same time, you will go metric. Both  roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the  British sense of humour.
 7. The former  USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been  calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get over it.
8. You will  learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French  fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on  calling potato chips are properly called crisps.  Real  chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with  ketchup up but with vinegar. 
9. The cold,  tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually  beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British bitter will  be referred to as beer, and European brews of  known and  accepted provenance will be referred to as lager.  New  Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for  pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be  due to the beer.  They are also part of the British  Commonwealth - see what it did for them.  American beer  will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all  can be sold without risk of further confusion. 
10. Hollywood  will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good  guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English  actors to play English characters.  Watching Andie  Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a  Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed  with a cheese grater. 
11. You will  cease playing American football.  There are only two  kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby  (dominated by the New Zealanders).  Those of you brave  enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some  similarities to American football, but does not involve  stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full  kevlar body armour). 
12. Further, you  will stop playing baseball and learn cricket.   
13. An internal  revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's  Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition  of all monies due (backdated to 1776) 
14. Daily tea time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and  cakes; plus strawberries (with cream)  when in  season.
 God Save the  Queen! 
[origin unknown]

Politics and economics 101

You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

You have two cows.
You worship them.

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the sh#t out of you and invade your
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy...

You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company,  two  are 
transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by 
the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all five cows back to your 
listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an 
option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United 
States , leaving you with nine cows. The public then buys your bull.
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
[ Australian, origin unknown ]

Reader discretion advised:

A Male non-PC Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, 'Will you marry me?'  The Princess said,'No!' And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

How to play Cricket

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that’s in the side that’s in goes out, and when he’s out he comes in and the next man goes in until he’s out. When they are all out, the side that’s out comes in and the side that’s been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.

When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game.

[origin unknown]

Nigel Farage baits the  EU bureaucrats [video]