Barack Obama's Diary: Explosive secrets

Dear Diary: Auugggh!  Bob Woodward has been speculating about my keeping this diary, saying that he would love to get his hands on it. OK, Bob, here's the thing:  I had the CIA install a biometric reader and, if it detects anyone reading it but me, this diary will explode in fewer than 10 seconds...nine...eight...seven...six...five...four...three...two... Goodbye, Bob.
My seemingly endless wrangling  with John Boehner over the Fiscal Cliff continues. Why can't those daggone Republicans get it? Dudes, I won...I make the rules...end of story. The only people who get to order me around are David Axelrod, Valerie Jarrett -- and Michelle whose scowl, I swear, could halt an Abrams tank at a range of a mile. I completed the day with a round of golf -- much more fun than wrangling with Boehner which is why I have played four rounds of golf since the election vs. one face-to-face meeting with Boehner. Never mind:  the Mayans predicted the world will end before we fall off the Fiscal Cliff.