Barack Obama's Diary: Asshats

Dear Diary:  I'm lunching  with Joe Biden Tuesday who's now talking about base-jumping from the Fiscal Cliff. Poor old Joe, I don't think fiscal matters are his strong suit.  Maybe, now that I have more flexibility, I should  finally call in a corpse of  white-uniformed men bearing an extra-longsleeved jacket for him. I then meet with Leon Panetta to review what Syria's Asshat Assad is up to with his chemical weapons. I made it very clear indeed to Assad in a speech Monday that any use of these weapons will bring "consequences" -- a bone-chilling warning that should  immediately stop him deploying his sarin and VX nerve agents. If that fails to work, I will just have to point out that 40,000-odd people he has killed already are probably enough even for him. On the other hand, I could leave it to Bibi to sort out and  when he's cleaned up the mess,  I could step in to negotiate a ceasefire. I like the latter idea, which would further burnish my already Lincoln-like historical stature.