Barack Obama's Diary: How I scared Bad Vlad

Dear Diary: Aaaugh! What a day. Vlad Putin is provokin' me from Moscow where he has Edward Snowden in the transit area of Moscow's main airport  but  will not return him. I tried  callin' him. "Vlad?" I said, but all I got was "Barack?"  followed by loud peals of laughter.
"Barack, we've still  got your guy  at the airport, we 'repaired' his four computers and we were considerate enough to back-up his hard drives. Bwaaa-ha-ha-ha!"  
"Vlad," I said, "if you don't send him back I'm going to be really, really cross with you."
"Oh, yeah," he replied, "now I'm  really, really scared. Are you flying over here with Lurch to come get me? Bwwaaah-ha-ha!...sucker!"
That Putin is so mean. But I still had my upcoming  capitalism killer to comfort me. After lunch with Biden, I announced an all-out war on coal-fired power plants,  something guaranteed to piss off the rich who have air conditioning and higher utility bills. But enough about me.