Dear Diary: Phew! This has been a scary day even for me, the coolest president in history. As I have mentioned here before, I don't like the military at the best of times. They have a nasty habit of stealing my thunder, as they did after my killing of Osama bin Laden. But today I had to play host to 1200 warriors at a barbecue on the South Lawn. And this was just a day after the military had overthrown my good friend and ally, Mohammed Morsi of Egypt. Yikes! What if the blood-thirsty military decided they did not like the presidential burgers and overthrew me? Chuck Hagel has been looking very morose since I appointed him as Defense Secretary. Is he plotting to disappear me? [Note to self: Instruct the NSA to monitor all his calls and emails.] I addressed the peasant masses on TV, taking up my favorite posture, head back, chin slightly raised in vague distaste at the brain-challenged millions who were tuned in. As usual, I made frequent use of my super-sibilant esssses like "my fellow American-ssss"... That always makes me sound impressively well-spoken. But enough about me.