Dear Diary: Our Middle East embassies are closed, not for a significant al-Qaeda threat as the lapdog media have suggested, but the significant threat that I might have had to spend my 52nd birthday in the Situation Room. Yesterday, I was able to motorcade to Joint Base Andrews early in the morning, with 11 golfing buddies. After seven glorious hours of golf, we moved on to Camp David and put a substantial dent in a fridge full of Dos Equis. [Stay thirsty my friends]. We all slept late as a result but, being the glutton for work that I am, I was soon back at the White House after an exhausting 20-minute chopper flight. No sooner had I taken my seat at the Resolute Desk than chef Sam Kass and other aides wheeled in a massive birthday cake. They stood behind it and sang "Happy Birthday." I was hoping Beyoncé would leap out, jiggling her wiggly bits and I composed my face into a suitable mixture of surprise and platonic delight, so White House photographer Pete Souza could record the moment for prosperity. Champagne was poured, the top of the cake flew off and-- ta-daah!-- a figure leaped out, dressed in white feathers, a tutu and ballet slippers. "Brava, Nancy!" I yelled. For it was she. Who better to play a dying swan than Pelosi, a woman whose face Botox has fixed in a rictus of death?After a time, I was able to sit down again at the Resolute Desk. The phone immediately burbled. It was Vlad Putin calling with his usual perfect timing. [There is, without doubt, a turncoat among us.] "Happy birthday, Barack," he said. "Did you enjoy Nancy Pelosi's tribute? I'm calling because I thought you would like to know that the milk-skinned little twerp, Snowden, is already singing like a canary and we haven't even hung him up by his leg irons yet." I assumed a menacing tone: "Just you wait, Vladimir Putin. Just you wait. We will find your White House spy and subject him, or her, to water-boreing. That's water dripping on the head with the collected speeches of Joe Biden on a permanent loop. Your spy will quickly crack and we'll learn all your secrets." You wish," said Vlad. "Da Vesdanya" Then he hung up on me. Bastard.
