Dear Diary: Bwaaaaha!ha! I won! I won! I had called Pootin on my iPresidentophone to gloat. It was late at night in Moscow but that only made it more delicious. He answered immediately: "Obamavitch! I know it's you because I have Al Green as your personal ring tone. What is it, Obamavitch?" I heard a female voice in the background saying: " Vladimir, Vladimir, wherefore art thou, Vladimir?" It was clearly Pootin's Shakespearean actress/mistress with whom he was having a late-night tryst. I said: "Vlad, I got I wanted from the GOP and I'm now going to push for immigration reforms that should bring in another 30 million Democrat voters. "Well done, Obamavitch," he said, " I have a proposal: Here in Russia we have constant problems with Chechnya, a neighboring Sunni muslim country with population of only 1.2 million. How about giving them all political asylum? That would elevate you to superhero among muslims and guarantee you another million Democrats. In return I will continue to instruct you in the devious art of politics."
"Sounds good, Vlad," I said. "I will seek approval from Comrade Jarrett." But enough about me.