Dear Diary: Auugh! Even the mainstream media lapdogs have turned on me over the launch of ObamaCare. This despite the fact that it was not me or any of my Cabinet who coded the websites. We try to be as nice as we can be to our unfortunate inferiors, so we are one big happy family. I even have a sign on my desk that reads" No buck stops here" to show how different I am than previous presidents. My day began as usual with a gloating call from Vlad Putin who pointed out that not a single person had registered for Obamacare in Hawaii. " Obamavitch," he declared. "You couldn't organise a drunken orgy in a vodka factory." I watched some network TV shows as I finished my breakfast coffee and was incensed...incensed, I say, to witness even CBS call the launch of ObamaCare "disastrous." To cope with the day I took the dogs out for a "walk," having grabbed a joint from my secret stash in the Resolute Desk. A few puffs of Maui Wowie and the world seemed a friendlier place. But enough about me.