Dear Diary: There's so much requiring my attention [like ensuring that little old ladies in Yellowstone Park are terrified by armed rangers] that I hadn't noticed that Vlad Putin hadn't called for several days. My iPresidentophone-S burst into the Moscow Steelworks' Men's Choir rendition of Keep the Red Flag Flying, just as I was chewing the last of my Froot Loops. "Obamavitch!" cried Putin (for it was he) "Obamavitch, you have much to learn when it comes to intimidating the masses. Frightening old ladies doesn't cut it, Obamavitch. Follow Uncle Vlad: We had a little problem here a year ago with three young women who called themselves PussyCatRiot , a so-called 'feminist punk rock collective' who gave an impromptu performance mocking me, in front of the altar of a church. You know what a church is, don't you Obamavitch? It's kind of like a mosque, but with Christians. I had the three young women arrested and immediately jailed for hooliganism. No more punk rock collectives here, Obamavitch. Tyranny 101. Look and learn. Bwaahaha!