Dear Diary: I was filled with expectation upon waking today, the first morning that I would be having Count Chocula cereal instead of Froot Loops. I emptied a generous portion into my bowl and added some milk. I scooped up a spoonful and chewed. There was a satisfying series of crunching sounds, like someone walking down a gravel driveway. Almost immediately my iPresidentophone blared forth the harmonies of the Moscow Steel Foundry Male Voice Choir. "Good Morning Vlad," I said cheerily, for it was he. "Found any black widows today? Bwaaaahahaha! The richness and power of my gloating laugh surprised even me. The Count Chocula was doing its job, filling me with energy and self-confidence. Putin wanted to know if there had been any progress with the Pentagon brass allowing Russia to borrow our newest bomb detectors for the Sochi Olympics."I suggest you call the Pentagon," I said. "I have a drag-race to organize." That is true. Valerie Jarrett thinks a Justin Bieber-style street race between me and Joe Biden would do wonders for our standing among the 18-24 demographic. But enough about me.