Barack Obama's Diary: The Russians are coming!

Dear Diary:  I was pouring   almond milk on my Froot Loops this morning when my iPresidentophone burst into Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy (Michelle disapproves of this ringtone  because she thinks that it encourages obese children to eat more sugar) "Vlad," I said, for it was he, "Wassup?"
"Obamavich," he said angrily, "I want you to rein in that idiot  Kerry  before he starts a serious conflict. We are engaged in major war games on the Ukraine border.  That's what you call a hint --намек  in Russian. 
Emboldened by Dr. Rink's hypnotherapy. I declared: "Piss off, Pootin."  
Putin fell silent for a moment, then said:"Before you provoke me further, Obamavich,  check with Defense Secretary Hagel  for details about our warship that has just docked  in Cuba and the fighters we have scrambled on the Ukraine border." 
Oops... But enough about me.