Barack Obama's Diary: Who's your Daddy, Vladdy?

Dear Diary:  My day began with the expected arrogant call from Vlad Putin. "Watch it, Vlad" I said.  Knowing that he would call me, I had prepared advance notes so I would sound fluent and decisive: "We are stepping up sanctions in response to your militarism in Ukraine and the murder of scores of innocents blown out of the shy by your missiles. "You are a wicked man, Vladimir Putin. A very wicked man -- history will not remember  you kindly, unlike me, Barack Obama, whom the world already sees in a golden light and everybody from kings to peasants calls Hero."
Putin was breathing heavily and I could hear the entreaties of his mistress in the background, clearly audible on our new High Definition hotline: "Come to me Vladdy, my muscular dollink, and leave that American moron to his cereal and milk". But enough about me.