Dear Cabby: Our Advice Columnist

Dear Cabby: I am the inevitable Republican  nominee, but those daggone  cheesy-grits-and-catfish folk have  disrupted my plans and chose Santorum and Newt  ahead of me. What should I do? --Mitt R.


Dear Mitt R:  Back in New York already? Jeez,  are you on your way to John Allan's again to have your roots touched up? I guess you want to put your  poor dog on  da roof of da cab like you did last time.  What was that you just said? Strange things have been happening to you since you arrived in New York -- you're developing a taste for bagels and lox?  Fuggedaboudit, Mitt, no-one believes that kind of  kiss-ass crap anymore. Just  be yourself.  You gotta problem widdat?. Here's John Allan's and don't forget  your dog. --Cabby.