Barack Obama's Diary

Dear Diary:  Yikes. And yikes again.  My campaign [I constantly remind Axelrod and Plouffe  they didn't build it, somebody else did] is being outplayed this week and, in spite of  our  best efforts, Mitt is  a point ahead in the latest New York Times poll. We need more money,  and quickly. Which is why I spent today fund-raising at four different venues in Florida.  That daggone Putin kept calling me on my iPresidophone  about Syria falling apart; so did Netanyahu, who is paranoid about WMDs on his border.  Since I was busy fund-raising, I transferred them  to a phone tree: "Press 2 to express displeasure," "Press 6  to express extreme indignation,"  "Press 8 to declare war." So far, no harm no foul.  I've heard nothing from  Leon Panetta about Israel mobilizing on their Syrian border and we're monitoring those  Israelis by satellite so closely that an Israeli  flea couldn't hop over without us seeing it. In  the evening I   thought I could persuade Vlad and Bibi to calm down  by  asking them to play Words With Friends with me,  but it was  no fun: the only words either of them would enter  were, like,  "incompetent," "idiot" "moron"  or "asshat," selected  to disrespect  me and my exalted position as leader of the Free World . Time for bed now. My back-up blankey Boo-booTwo awaits  me. Barry luv Boo-boo, um-num-num-um...zzzzz..