Barack Obama's Diary: Press Corpse

Dear Diary: I am in a state of irritation. I managed to fit in a round of golf today, but a beautiful sunny day at Joint Base Andrews became overcast.   Meantime, since I am a better gag-writer  that a professional gag-writer, I thought  up some great one-liners for tonight's White House Correspondents' Dinner, but Valerie Jarrett censored the best, like: "Before I speak you should all look under your tables for a pressure cooker. If you find one I can  guarantee that you'll have a blast tonight."  and ...  " Did you hear the one about about the suspect who was singing like a canary to the FBI when the Attorney General had him Mirandized before anyone could learn if there were others involved in  the Boston bombing. That's how the A-G got the nickname Eric The Withholder." Now, that's  as funny as naming a library after George Bush which  is hilarious if I may say so myself, and I may, so I have. But enough about me.