Barack Obama's Diary: Inscrutable, that's what you are
Dear Diary: Never have I seen such hype over a little harmless surveillance. Who the hell is going to want to listen in on two little old ladies in Peoria planning a spaghetti night at the local Moose Lodge? I have told people to trust us which should put an end to all the surveillance conspiracy theories. In the White House we have always found it best to refer to the NSA as "No Such Agency" and pretend it doesn't exist. After a visit to San Jose I proceeded to the Annenberg retreat at Sunnylands, Rancho Mirage, California, there to meet Chinese President Xi Jinping whose country has been doing to America what the NSA has done, but only more so. I had to confront him about it. I decided to deploy a little flattery first. "Mornin,' Mr Xi , I said " I'm Mr O and I would like some Peking Duck." He looked momentarily confused as the translator beeped and whistled at him, in what I presumed was Mandarin but sounded to me like an ancient modem. No response from Comrade Xi. "Mr Xi, You rike Peking Duck?" I suggested helpfully. Mr Xi was still inscrutable. "Where Lachelle Obama, Doo?" he demanded. "I rike meet Lachelle Obama." I replied: "It's Michelle, not Lachelle, you lude rittle plick. And she's thousands of miles from here on the East Coast."
"Dude?" The impudence of the man! I'm not one for stereotypes...however even I, Barack Hussein Obama, have my limits. But enough about me.