Barack Obama's Diary: Just my luck

Dear Diary: One thing I really like about my role as President  is the opportunity to bestow the riches of my vast knowledge on other leaders. And so it was during my meeting with President Jonathan Goodluck of Nigeria this morning, at the Waldorf Astoria. "Good Morning, President Goodluck," I said. "First of all, may I express my sincere condolences to you from the American people over the mall shootings. I suggest you require compulsory background checks for all those who want to buy  guns and also that you ban assault weapons."  A  momentary look of displeasure  flashed across President Goodluck's  face.
He replied: "First of all, I am President Goodluck Jonathan, not Jonathan Goodluck. Second of all, the mall shooting is in Kenya not Nigeria. Thirdly, any guns we have in Nigeria belong either to  the mass murderers of Christians, Boko Haram,  or our own Ummd Fosses."
 "Ummd Fosses?" I queried. "Yes Ummd Fosses", he repeated. "Fosses that are ummd with weapons."
" Oh, you mean armed forces." I said.
"Yes,"  said President Jonathan. "Ummd Fosses. Bozo"