Dear Diary: It occurred to me today that I have not yet taken full advantage of the family's absence in China. So, after a dinner of steak, fries and a pint of chocolate Haagen Dazs, I repaired to the Oval Office. There I retrieved a fat spliff of Blueberry Yum Yum from the secret compartment in the Resolute Desk, I like to use choom for second opinions about my life. l lit it up and inhaled deeply. First of all, my thoughts focussed on Vladimir Putin. Strange man, strange name. Puh, puh, Putin. Poo.tin. Pootin. Vlad the Inhaler. Voldemort. Rah, Rah, RasPutin, lover of the Russian Queen. Munchies! I have a stack of Flamin' Hot Cheetos packets hidden in the notorious Clinton closet, behind the kneepads. Where was I? Oh yes. Pootin. Yum, these Cheerios are goood. But enough about me.