As is my habit, I was munchin' away at my breakfast Froot Loops when my iPresidentophone sounded a rousing chorus from Song of the Volga Boatmen. "Greetings, Vlad" I said keeping my tone as cold as possible, because my plan was to intimidate him. John Kerry and I have hatched a brilliant plan to get Putin to retreat from Ukraine ASAP. Kerry will travel to London for a Friday meeting with Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov ahead of a Sunday referendum vote in the Crimea region to secede from Ukraine and join the Russian Federation." Vlad." I said. "Let me be perfectly clear. We believe that you are orchestrating the referendum and waging an intimidation campaign with thousands of troops controlling the region. If there is no sign from you of any response to this issue ... there will be a very serious series of steps on Monday.”
" I am trembling in my boots, Obamavich. If you and the EU attempt selective sanctions against us, rest assured that natural gas supplies from us to Europe will become -- how shall I say? --sporadic."
But enough about me..
