8/31/14

Cartoon: Rick McKee

[The Augusta Chronicle]

Dim Crims: Drag act

Investigators said 22-year-old Ryan Mullins, of Swansboro, N.C. smashed a window at a pharmacy's drive-through, tied a rope around a 100-pound safe containing prescription drugs and drove about two miles with the safe dragging behind his vehicle, police said.
A police officer pulled over to let Mullins pass, then saw the safe.  Mullins is charged with felony breaking and entering, larceny, possession of stolen goods, two felony counts of trafficking opium or heroin, one count of safe cracking and misdemeanor DWI. [Source]   [BJS]

8/30/14

Cartoon: Eric Allie

[Cagle Cartoons]

Ron runs foul of the Law

Ron Chestna, a writer and a poet, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time. Ron replied: "I'm on my way to listen to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking cheap cigars and staying out late."
 The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
 Ron replied: My wife."

8/29/14

Tweet of the Day...

In reaction to the  hideous tan suit that Bam proudly wore to last Thursday's  press conference, comes this quick-witted Tweet of the Day: "The Audacity of Taupe."   Congratulations to Tweetmeister Jared Keller.


Fed up down under [bad link repaired]

BH, our Sydney contributor,  is fed up about this, and rightly so.

Take the racism test


TG our Alaska contributor, sends this racism test:

The Bam Mutiny

Lawmakers are fuming over President Barack Obama's admission that his White House lacks a strategy for dealing with the rise of the Islamic State of Iraq and al-Sham (ISIS) in Syria, with one congressman comparing his performance to the bumbling sheriff's deputy Barney Fife from 'The Andy Griffith Show.'
And as House and Senate members piled on with sharp criticism, a former senior aide to a retired defense secretary told MailOnline that the Joint Chiefs of Staff are 'seeing red' and 'spitting nails' following Obama's candid admission.
'They're losing confidence in their mission,' said the long-time Pentagon insider, who spoke on condition of anonymity. 'When the president doesn't know what direction to point people in, all his advisers can do is guess at what he wants. That's not good.'
Texas Republican Rep. Louie Gohmert told Fox News   that Obama articulated 'a pitiful foreign policy, and Barney Fife is in charge [Source reiterated things he or his aides had already said. But there was one l
When asked about whether his future plans for combating the Islamic State in Iraq and Syria (ISIS) required congressional authorization, Obama ducked. "I don't want to put the cart before the horse," he said, before uttering the line that'll likely haunt him for the rest of his presidency. "We don't have a strategy yet."



Zebra foalz born on same day

Newly returned from Ferguson, MO, Our ebonics contributor SVW, sends this:  "GULF BREEZE, Florida – Da Gulf Breeze Zoo announce' dat two Grévy’z zebra foalz wuz born uv differint motherz on da same day, Aug. 12, at da facilitee.
“We knew both femalez wuz due any day, buh we couldn’t predict dat both femalez would give birth on da same day,” say Desiree Haga, assistant curata, n' a nuze release. “Both deliveriez wuz quick an' we’a excite' ta report both babiez be happy an' healthy wiff they motherz.”
Grévy’z zebra be da mos' endangere' uv da three zpeciez uv zebra. Fewa den 2,500 uv da animalz be thoute ta exis' n' da wild n' Kinya an' Ethiopia, wiff around 600 livn' n' captivitee. Da zebra’z typical gestashun period be 390 dayz, o'around 13 monthz.
Accordn' ta da release from da zoo, baby zebraz be born wiff a unique brown an' crackah stripe pattern, wich darkinz ta black an' crackah az dey get olda. Motha zebraz communicate wiff they babiez usn' a varietee uv zoundz includn' squealn', brayn' an' gruntn'.
Both motherz an' they foalz be back on public display at da Gulf Breeze Zoo, off uv U.S. 98 n' Gulf Breeze, about a 30-minute drive eas' uv Pinsacola. [Source]

How to speak Leftese


8/25/14

Bam, what in the world have you done?

"As Obama golfed over the weekend, Tripoli Airport fell to the jihad boys," writes Mark Steyn. "I was there years ago, and thought it compared favorably with, say, Logan. Now it's a smoking ruin - part of the blowback from Obama's leading with his behind, or whatever he calls it. As things stand, this guy will end his presidency with a chain of failed states for al-Qaeda, Boko Haram, al-Shabaab, ISIS and the Taliban to gambol and frolic in, stretching from West Africa to the Hindu Kush. But you can't see them from Martha's Vineyard, so who cares?"  [Read it all]

Fool Britannia: Socialism in Action

Fraser Nelson of British magazine The Spectator did some number crunching recently and found that Britain is poorer than every State in the USA but one.
As Nelson wrote:  “if Britain were to somehow leave the EU and join the US … we’d be the 2nd-poorest state in the union, poorer than any state other than Mississippi.This is shocking and disheartening  to American liberals who often assume that Great Britain is still the jewel of Europe pointing to its nearly 100 percent socialist-styled government as a model of perfection. But it turns out that decades of socialism has laid Britain low.

Cartoon: Stilton Jarlsberg

8/24/14

Dim Crims: Wasp stings betray thief

Jamie Brown, 29, was caught after he accidentally disturbed wasp nest while urinating during his getaway, a British court heard. Brown spent six hours in agony at Leeds General Infirmary, before being discharged and appearing before Leeds Magistrates Court which heard that Brown had attempted to flee with a stolen fish tank but as cops swarmed the area Brown relieved himself in a bush home to a nest of wasps and fled from the scene - catching their attention.  [Source]    BJS

Judge tells Bam: Fight ISIS or quit

Judge Jeanine Pirro has slammed President Barack Obama’s response to the beheading of American journalist James Foley as “weak, wimpy and pathetic.”  She also called on Obama to leave the White House if he does not have the determination, desire and stamina to destroy ISIS. [Source]

Barack Obama's Diary: I'm deaf to all the hubbub

Dear Diary: My iPresidentophone has been going beserk this morning, sounding all the ring-tones I have assigned, from Song of The Volga Boatmen, through Hava Nagila,  and Rule Britannia, to Nkosi Sikelel iAfrika.  Enough already! Don't these people know that I have a  round of golf to attend to?  I stuffed the phone under my pillows to serenade itself harmlessly, until maybe a housekeeper picks it up: " Mr Putin? Mr Cameron? Angular Merkel?  I apologize, but the President is out on the links...." Hopefully these pesky folks will tire of pursuing me at all hours, expecting me to DO something  about ISIS: To confront  them before they reach our homelands. But, as the masses know, that's not my style. I prefer a more nuanced, intellectual approach. But enough about me.

So help Me Golf: Dowd eviscerates Bam

Maureen Dowd, biting piece on Obama's absence from the world stage at such a critical time:
"I know it doesn’t look good to have pictures of me grinning in a golf cart juxtaposed with ones of James Foley’s parents crying, and a distraught David Cameron rushing back from his vacation after only one day, and the Pentagon news conference with Chuck Hagel and General Dempsey on the failed mission to rescue the hostages in Syria.
We’re stuck in the rough, going to war all over again in Iraq and maybe striking Syria, too. Every time Chuck says ISIL is “beyond anything we’ve ever seen,” I sprout seven more gray hairs. But my cool golf caps cover them. If only I could just play through the rest of my presidency..."   Read it all.

8/23/14

Rand Paul's growing chance of GOP candidacy

Britain's Telegraph has an intriguing piece arguing that Rand Paul has an increasingly strong  chance of being the GOP's presidential candidate.  Read it all.

Dim Crims: Man calls 911 'to report stripper'

A man allegedly refused sex by a stripper, called 911 to report her. Police say 53-year-old William McDaniels went to Sagebrush Sam's in Butte, Montana, where he gave a woman $350 for a private dance. Police say McDaniels told them he thought that covered sex acts and felt ripped off when they didn't happen. He is now charged with soliciting prostitution. [Source]

8/22/14

The Godmother: Why no Democrat wants to run against her

The mystery of the 2016 Democratic presidential race isn’t why Hillary Clinton seems likely to run. She’s ambitious, qualified, too old to wait another four years and well positioned to win. Why wouldn’t she run?  The mystery is why she has no real competition. So far, none of the Democrats who could seriously challenge Clinton—Elizabeth Warren, Andrew Cuomo, Deval Patrick—have shown any interest. The candidates who have—Brian Schweitzer, Martin O’Malley, Bernie Sanders—are too weak to arouse much media attention or donor support.
On Tuesday, The Washington Post’s Aaron Blake ran through the reasons various potential challengers seemed disinclined to run: Warren has praised Clinton too much; Joe Biden’s approval ratings are low; O’Malley would have trouble raising money. But these individual factors don’t entirely explain why no one has emerged.     [Read more]    [BJS]

Why terrorists don't kidnap Russians

"Terrorists use terrorism because it works, although not against everybody. The Soviet Union’s flaws were without number, but the effete, obsequious squeamishness that characterizes the current American approach to Islam was not among them..." Read more

8/21/14

How to raise Bam's interest in the Middle East

[From Aftermath]

'Act like a president or get the hell out'

Mark Levin torched Obama for how he’s handled the beheading of American journalist James Foley, asking “is it too much to expect this pathetic president to spend more than five minutes on it?”
He tells the president that he’ll be the father he never had, telling him to ‘get his ass off the golf course, get the hell back to DC and act like a president. Or get the hell out!’
Read more: 

8/19/14

Barack Obama's Diary: When to Holder and when to folder

Dear Diary:  There are indications in the polls that Ferguson is going to cause a backlash among voters that may threaten my  immaculate  legacy. I have therefore dispatched  Eric Holder to Missouri to spread alarm among the natives-- something like this: "Stop rioting, or i'll send busloads of undocumented immigrants to compete for your jobs. Put that in your smoldering Papa John's and eat it." Eric is optimistic that it will work. It's worth a try. But enough about me.

8/17/14

Why are we losing our heads to social media?

 "The proliferation of torture and beheading porn is one of the social media horrors of our day. Every minute millions of people around the world send links to videos and photographs. And as world news gets darker, even if you don’t seek them out, such images find their way to you..."
Read it all 

Cartoon: Gary Varvel

[The  Indianapolis Star]

Cartoon: Rick McKee

[The Augusta Chronicle]

8/13/14

Barack Obama's Diary: Grape expectations

Dear Diary: See what a genius I am: back to boots on the ground in Iraq but we are not rekindling the war. I promise. Dear Reader--admit it, you've were suckered, too. Even Vlad Putin's been unusually silent. And all while I'm on vacation at Martha's Orchard, sorry, Vineyard. But enough about me. Nero played his fiddle while Rome burned. I play golf.

Progress Notes for Patient 540463: Obama Barack, H.

8/13/2014: I had an urgent call from Valerie Jarrett asking me to make a housecall to Martha's Vineyard, with a vertical take-off-and-landing Osprey provided. The same had happened last year, so I had left my appointment book sparsely filled. I found patient in his normal state of paranoia, lying on the floor pounding the carpet beneath him with angst. He was yelling about hurricanes and something called blueberry yum yum. He had apparently ordered several hundred  'advisers' to Iraq, which  had upset Valerie Jarrett, as all decisions do. She says patient has no strategy, no objective and no exit plan all of which is upsetting the Pentagon brass, mightily. I administered a modest dose of Ativan to calm him down and suggested that things would look clearer in he morning. They won't, but at least I can go to bed early and catch up on my reading. Dictated by S.H. Rink M.D.

Question of the Day...

I Wonder Why No Work Boots Were Stolen During the looting in Missouri?  asks The Clash.

Race: Obama takes sides again

This was supposed to be a president who united the country and helped heal racial divisions. Post-racial, post-political. Of course, he’s been anything but, writes Keith Koffler in White House Dossier
As he did in the Trayvon Martin case, President Obama is jumping right into the fray of a racially charged incident with an opinion about what happened.
Sure, in a statement he called for calm, but only indirectly – i.e. we need “healing” instead of “wounds” – and only as a sideshow to his main point, which was empathy for Brown and the clear suggestion that the killing was wrongful and racially motivated
“The death of Michael Brown is heartbreaking, and Michelle and I send our deepest condolences to his family and his community at this very difficult time,” Obama wrote, adding that Brown and his family need “our prayers.”
"Let me be clear," writes Koffler,  "I have no idea why Michael Brown was shot. BUT NEITHER DOES OBAMA."     Read it all

8/10/14

Barack Obama's Diary: Isis faces crisis...

Dear Diary: It's  good to be back in Martha's Vineyard! I gave the Pentagon the go-ahead to bomb ISIS in Iraq, while assuring this country that this did not mean thousands more American boots on the ground.  It never ceases to surprise me how gullible the average American is. People seem to have accepted my cunning maneuver without question.
The past few days have terrified me. I have been keeping up with the hurricaness in Hawaii which pose a serious threat  to my personal crop of Blueberry Yum Yum, near Hilo. But enough about me.

Cartoon: Rick McKee


[The Augusta Chronicle]

The real danger to Israel 'comes from within'

The right-left divide in Israel is no longer important, writes Israeli sociologist Eva Illouz. There is something more urgent right now: the defense of democracy. The voice of the extreme right is much louder and clearer than it was before. That's what's new: a racist right that is not ashamed of itself, that persecutes dissenters and even people who dare express compassion for the other side. The real danger to Israel and its sustainability comes from within. The fascist and racist elements are no less a security threat than the outside enemies.    [BJS]     [Source]

8/9/14

Doughnuts trap man on the lam

Bradley Hardison of Elizabeth City, NC, had been sought by police for months in two felony burglaries but had managed to elude arrest. Then he entered the doughnut contest during a "night out" anti-crime event this week, downed eight doughnuts in two minutes, and was crowned champ.
 After seeing the writeup of Hardison's triumph in the local paper the following day, deputies quickly picked him up at his mother's house, reports WVEC. He is being held on $2,000 bail. [Source]  [BJS]

8/7/14

Pets not welcome here, says leader

“Pets are part of white culture,”  says Jacob Zuma, polygamist president of South Africa, who is on his 6th wife.  He scoffs at the idea of a dog as a pet.  Animals are to be eaten or raised for their skins. Pets? He wants black South Africans to rid themselves of such 'white' concepts . [Read more...]

Cartoon:Gary Varvel


8/4/14

The puzzle of conundrums

The definition of the word Conundrum is: something that is puzzling or confusing. Here are six Conundrums of socialism in the United States of America, as noted by T.G., our man in Alaska: 1. America is capitalist and greedy - yet half of the population is subsidized. 2. Half of the population is subsidized - yet they think they are victims. 3. They think they are victims - yet their representatives run the government. 4. Their representatives run the government - yet the poor keep getting poorer. 5. The poor keep getting poorer - yet they have things that people in other countries only dream about. 6. They have things that people in other countries only dream about - yet they want America to be more like those other countries. Think about it! And that, my friends, pretty much sums up the USA in the 21st Century. Makes you wonder who is doing the math. These three, short sentences tell you a lot about the direction of our current government and cultural environment: 1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics. Funny how that works. And here's another one worth considering... 2. Seems we constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of money. How come we never hear about welfare or food stamps running out of money? What's interesting is the first group "worked for" their money, but the second didn't. Think about it..... and Last but not least, 3. Why are we cutting benefits for our veterans, no pay raises for our military and cutting our army to a level lower than before WWII, but we are not stopping the payments or benefits to illegal aliens. Am I the only one missing something?

Who is doing the math for the USA?

The definition of the word  Conundrum is: something that is puzzling or confusing, notes T.G. our Alaska Contributor:

Here are  six Conundrums of socialism in the United States of America:

1.  America is capitalist and greedy - yet half of the population is  subsidized.

2. Half of the population is subsidized - yet they  think they are victims.

3. They think they are victims - yet their  representatives run the government.

4. Their representatives run  the government - yet the poor keep getting poorer.

5. The poor keep  getting poorer - yet they have things that people in other countries  only dream about.

6. They have things that people in other  countries only dream about - yet they want America to be more like  those other countries.

Think about it! And that, my friends, pretty  much sums up the USA in the 21st Century.

Makes you wonder who  is doing the math.

These three, short sentences tell you a lot  about the direction of our current government and cultural  environment:

1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the  actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun  owners by the actions of a few lunatics. Funny how that works.

And  here's another one worth considering...

2. Seems we constantly hear  about how Social Security is going to run out of money. How come we  never hear about welfare or food stamps running out of money? What's  interesting is the first group "worked for" their money, but the second  didn't. Think about it.....

and Last  but not least,

3. Why are we cutting benefits for our veterans, no  pay raises for our military and cutting our army to a level lower than  before WWII, but we are not stopping the payments or benefits to  illegal aliens.

8/2/14

Barack Obama's Diary: Breakfast with a cereal killer

Dear Diary: Am I never to have an undisturbed breakfast  again? No sooner had I put mouth to wholewheat Honeynut Cheerios when my iPresidentophone burst into a rousing rendition of Hava Nagila. 
"Good morning Netanyahu" I said, for it was he.
"Pay attention, Big Ears, he replied.: "I will not be repeating myself:  Don't you ever second-guess me on Hamas again, understood?" I did not reply, but made a throat-clearing noise that could be interpreted in any way a listener wished. And it bought me some time to fake a signal drop-out. Word to the wise: Always disconnect while YOU are talking, then the other party will not suspect you of breaking the connection. Enough about me.

8/1/14

Obola takes hold in US

Dr Nancy Heidimann, our medical correspondent, reports that  Obola, a highly contagious virus, has taken root among Democrats in the US. It is thought to have originated in Kenya, Hawaii. or Indonesia. It destroys the ability of sufferers to make  sensible choices.  Dr Heidimann writes that there is no vaccine and no cure.

Relocated! Normal service resuming soon

Laughing Conservative has completed relocation and hopes to resume normal service this weekend. Thank you to both readers and contributors for your for your patience