Dear Diary: "There you are, Barry," said Val Jarrett as she discreetly handed me a small package from Nordstrom. As the daily presidential briefing began, I peeped inside and saw a tube of anti-
wrinkle serum, just as I had requested. I ducked into the former Clinton masturbatorium and put the package on a high shelf out of sight of Michelle, who will taunt me with cries of "Barry, you poof!" if she finds it. Nobody knows the troubles I've seen in my simple attempt to keep looking young enough for my master plan, to succeed Ban-Ki-Moon as UN Secretary-General, after I quit the White House.