Dear Diary: I headed out to Fort Belvoir today for a round of golf with three of my usual partners, White House chef Sam Kass, trip director Marvin Nicholson, and aide Mike Brush. I paused at the fourth hole, as is my habit, to call the Pentagon and order a drone strike against the next sumbitch on my kill list. This is an example of my subtle gamesmanship, and intimidates my golf partners. Talking of aides, which I am, some of my most trusted advisers , like Valerie Jarrett, say that I'm losing support among some of the Millennials who are the bedrock of my vote. Valerie thinks I should brush up my hip vocabulary. I agree, in fact, I think it's, like, an awesome idea. Back in Hawaii, in my choom gang, me and my fellow worshippers of weed learned never to trust anyone over the age of, like, 30. That was, like, an awesomely awesome way to live, dude.