Barack Obama's Diary: The meeting begins

Dear Diary: I was taken ill on the flight from Stockholm to St. Petersburg. I was
 sitting on my secret  throne in my Airforce One office  when I became delirious.  Fortunately, Valerie Jarrett had arranged for my psychiatrist, Dr Rink, to be on board. And he gave me a sedative. But then came the landing at St Petersburg, the transfer to The Beast and a terrifying ride to the Constantine Palace during which I was unable to get a clear reply about the correctness of our destination from  either the Doctor or my Secret Service driver. Pootin was quite capable of having me taken to some KGB hellhole for the duration of the G20 meeting. Bastard.  Dr. Rink acceded to my frantic request for some more of his miracle sedative. It kicked in just in time for my welcome from Pootin: "Welcome to the Konstantinovsky Palace, Obamavitch"  I tried not to wince as his hand seized mine and crushed it with python-like strength.  I had agreed with Dr Rink to meet in a private safe-room which my Secret  Service detail  had set up for me. Dr Rink told me to lie down down on a sofa and talk about my feelings. This took an unexpectedly long time and I ended up being half-an-hour late for the formal dinner [awkwa-a-rd!]  I was given the opportunity, after dessert, of laying out my case to the other delegates for attacking Syria.  The listened in silence. At the end there was a chorus of boos and Bronx cheers and  several delegates threw their cheese  and petits fours in my direction. Never have I been so insulted! Never!