Barack Obama's Diary: Panic attack

Dear Diary: These are very stressful times for us all.  I was spooning up the last of my Froot Loops, when  Leonid Kharitonov and the Red Army Choir Song of the Volga Boatmen blasted from my iPresidentophone."Vladimir?I said, for it was he. "Obamavich, I am not amused by your sending the bonehead Kerry  to hold talks in Ukraine, an area that is historically Russian.  I have made myself very clear that you are not to interfere in our domestic  affairs." I feigned nonchalance.
"Whatcha goin' to do about  it, Vlad?" I asked.  "You're just bluffing as usual." [I was following Sun Tzu's principle of annoying your enemy to make him concentrate on you rather than the battle at hand.]  " You think I'm bluffing?" asked Putin. "Get ready for a phone call from NORAD."  Moments later my  phone played Hail to the Chief. It was NORAD.  They said the  Russians had just launched an ICBM. Yikes! I grabbed my phone and yelled into it: "Valerie, Joe,  we're under missile attack! Get to the Oval Office ASAP!" I dove under the Resolute Desk and bravely hugged my knees. But enough about me.