Barack Obama's Diary: Midnight Wars

Dear Diary: Happy New Year to me! I'm staying awake until the small hours  in case Biden and McConnell come up with an unexpected solution to the Fiscal Cliff. But the last time I went to bed in the middle of a crisis, Benghazi happened.  So I will stay up, fully clothed, and fill my time watching Storage Wars on our DVR.  Dave 'Yuuup' Hester could even teach Chicagoans a few things about being devious. My kinda guy Dave Hester is, my kinda guy...
I had a call from Michelle on Oahu earlier. She sounded way too happy. I suspect she's been hitting Saks and the boutiques of Waikiki, with a stack of credit cards in her purse. Sigh...This is goin' to be to the next deficit war.

The 2012 Dungy goes to...

After considering a loathsome line-up of Dung Beetle Award recipients, The Academy of Dung Beetles has awarded its malodorous annual Dungy to the leftist Twitter vermin who publicly celebrated the possibility of George H.W. Bush's death. H.W.'s recovery is the sweetest outcome possible.

Slow Joe to the rescue

"Mitch, I understand 'cliff.'  But fiscal?"

John Darkow cartoon

[Columbia Daily Tribune]

Christopher Weyant Cartoon

[The Hill]

Hillary hospitalized with blood clot

Hillary Clinton  has been admitted to hospital for treatment of a blood clot. More here

Taylor Jones Cartoon

 [ El Nuevo Dia, Puerto Rico]

Barack Obama's Diary: Gregorian chant

Dear Diary: I watched myself on  Meet The Press. and  I am pissed at the way David Gregory grilled me. "Was this Your Lincoln moment?" he demanded, viciously. Lincoln moment?  He knows perfectly well that I am driven about in a specially-modified Cadillac. I allowed him an exclusive interview and this is how he repays me: With an ambush question! I should have known something was afoot when he did not grovel like Chris Matthews, shed tears of gratitude, wring his hands, and drone  on endlessly about honored he was to be in my presence. Gregory was content merely to sink to his knees and kiss the hem of my raiment. I have shown emperors more respect. Bastard! 
[Note to self: Tell Carney never to allow that NBC  ingrate to question me again. In addition to  being impertinent, Gregory is taller than I am.]

Lame metaphor of the day...

Senator Dianne Feinstein argues on Fox News that it's time for the country to "bite the bullet" and pass new gun control legislation. More here.

The Dung Beetle Award goes to...

The Academy of Dung Beetles' Award is being rolled towards Piers Morgan, who refuses to understand that, as a house-guest, one does not bad-mouth one's host and threaten to leave, or one will find  the front door held open and a well-aimed kick applied to one's ass or-- in his case-- arse.

Piers Morgan threatens to deport self, USA celebrates

Joy to the world! Lord Smug of Conceit [a.k.a. Piers Morgan] is threatening to deport himself over America's gun laws. That roar is the sound of the entire US population celebrating. More

Cartoon: Pat Bagley

[The Salt Lake Tribune]

Barack Obama's Diary: Bluffing Boehner

Dear Diary: Here in the White House, Axelrod, Jarrett and other strategists detected Boehner's weaknesses long ago and have been making him  react rather than act first.  Now he is stepping on the Fiscal  Cliff trap we have set for him, making the GOP look like heartless money grubbers while caving on taxes. And I get to look good in the process. Huzzah! What's not to like? Meantime, back on the beach, Michelle's been calling regularly from Oahu. I am a man of simple pleasures:  a round of golf, a hit of Maui Wowie, a bag of Doritos to stave off the munchies, are all I ask to  pass my days happily on Oahu. But Michelle quickly gets bored and starts hitting the stores. I have no choice but to accept this until I can  return and distract her. Then there is my other vexatious dilemma, Hillary, who despite pleading "concussion" to avoid testifying on Benghazi, has now reportedly popped up with Bill at some decadent Caribbean resort where they will apparently party their way through New Year. Awkwaaard. Hillary's spokespeople discount the report. But they are permanently stuck on  auto-deny.

'Concussed' Hillary in Caribbean

After being too "concussed" to testify  in Congress on Benghazi, Hillary Clinton has now popped up in Punta Cana, in the Dominican Republic where she and Bill will reportedly celebrate New Year at the Puntacana Resort & Club. Details here. UPDATE: The State Department denies the SoS is in the Caribbean.

How Obama wasted trillions

Scott Grannis, who has a rare talent for making economics understandable: "The burden of our debt binge is already upon us because we have borrowed trillions of dollars to support consumption, rather than new investment. What matters in the future is how productively we spend the proceeds of future bond sales, not how we pay off the bonds we've already sold. We can make progress... if we can reduce federal spending relative to the size of the economy, since that in turn will reduce the ...resources we waste. Allowing the private sector to increasingly decide how to spend the fruits of its labors will likely improve the overall productivity and strength of the economy... We've got to get the government out of the way if we are to move forward..." Read it all.
[Thanks: BJS]

How the Cliff is being lost

Republicans, after failing to pass John Boehner-crafted legislation to raise taxes on those making more than $1 million, seem on the way to having to live with something worse, says Keith Koffler at White House Dossier. Details here.

Cartoon: Peter Broelman

[Peter Broelman, Australia]

Michelle gets bad news

"We have to return to DC in one plane?"

Mooreburger

"Rutland, North Dakota, created the World’s Largest Hamburger. Over nine thousand people came to sample the nearly two-ton burger, and all of them went home hungry, since Michael Moore was first in line."
One of many fun facts about North Dakota at IMAO. Lots more here.

Michelle calling

 "Give Bo a hug. Bo, not Boehner"

Obamaquences: $1 trillion tax hike hits Jan. 1

On January 1, regardless of the outcome of fiscal cliff negotiations, Americans will be hit with a $1 trillion Obamacare tax hike. Details here.

Cartoon: Cameron Cardow

[The Ottawa Citizen]

On the brink, both sides blink

Congressional leaders are headed to the White House  as rumors circulate of a potential mini-deal averting tax increases and buying all sides more time.
Read more

Barack Obama's Diary: Blame game

Dear Diary: The great fiscal mud-fight continues. Optics are everything, which is why I have arranged a meeting here at the White House this afternoon so I appear to be pulling out all the stops to get the stubborn plantation-owners to do what's right. My priority is not to avoid the nation going over the Fiscal Cliff, but to avoid being blamed for the nation going over the Fiscal Cliff. Big difference. Meantime, I have had to delay the most important item on my agenda: the weather in DC is too unsettled for a round of golf.

The State of the Secretary

"Who am I? Where am I?
 Concussion? What's that?"

Obama in one word

A masterwork from Mind-Numbed Robot

Cartoon: Bob Englehart

[The Hartford Courant]

Boehner visits Oval Office

"Boehner's here?
Send him in"

What they want for Christmas is a Dad

From The Telegraph: "A truly heartbreaking story broke over Christmas. A British consumer agency released a survey that showed that the tenth most requested gift from Father Christmas was “a dad” (coming in just behind “snow”). The first choice was a baby brother or sister, which is a heartening sign that materialism hasn’t quite claimed our souls yet. But the stand out figure is one that shows that a growing number of children see a father not as a “given” but as a “blessing” – as precious and elusive as a Nintendo Wii...." More here.

Democrats demand inquiry into North Pole philanthropist

Leading Democrat House and Senate members are demanding a congressional investigation of North Pole businessman and philanthropist,  S. Claus, on allegations of a possible conspiracy with American retailers such as Walmart, Target, Macy and others involving profiteering, reports Diogenes' Middle Finger.
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Cal) accused Mr. Claus of conspiring for years by way of a made up holiday to enrich himself as well as already wealthy retail and related industry CEOs.  Read more

More nasty Obamaquences

Today's Consumer Confidence data  missed by  the biggest margin in seven  months, dropped below the year's average, and saw the biggest two-month drop in over 15 months. Details here.  Obama voters --  you own this.

The Dung Beetle Award goes to...

The Academy of Dung Beetles' Award is being rolled towards the leftist vermin who are publicly celebrating  ex-President George Bush Sr.'s deteriorating condition. Find out more.

Obama to the rescue

"We're landing, have my Superbam 
tunic ready"

Obamalehem

Amendment proposed for Piers Morgan

Laughing Conservative  is proposing an amendment to the appearance of Lord Smugly of Conceit,  a.k.a. Piers Morgan, who thinks it's OK, while  one is a guest in another country, to be thoroughly rude to one's hosts.  Our proposed amendment to the loathsome windbag's appearance is simple: it would involve a nightclub bouncer, a fist and simpering Smugly's nose.

Mr President, what the heck's going on?

 President Obama, what's going on? The four officials supposedly out of jobs because of their blunders in the run-up to the Benghazi terror attack remain on the State Department payroll — and will all be back to work soon, The New York Post reports.
The highest-ranking official caught up in the scandal, Assistant Secretary of State Eric Boswell, has not “resigned” from government service, as officials said last week. He is just switching desks. And the other three are simply on administrative leave and are expected back, the Post says.
 Meantime, Hillary remains out of the public eye with no update on her "concussion."
Laughing Conservative has been unable to confirm a rumor that she is now being treated for  a nasty case of laryngitis which will prevent her indefinitely from speaking in public.

Cartoon: Peter Broelman

[Peter Broelman, Australia]

Obamaquences

Holiday retail sales following Obama's re-election  are the weakest since 2008. More  

Barack Obama's Diary: I'm flying home, brah

Aloha Diary: Taxpayer One is prepped and ready to fly me back to DC  so  that I look like a superhero swooping down at the last moment to save America from the Fiscal Cliff. Such beautiful optics! Axelrod and Jarrett will be proud of me, Brah. We islanders say brah every few seconds to confuse mainland haole, but it's just a cooler version of Bro', Brah.

Piers Morgan wants Bible amendment

Lord Smug of Conceit [a.k.a Piers Morgan]  is  apparently not content with denigrating the Second Amendment. The loathsomely self-satisfied Brit now wants to second-guess God and have the Bible amended to endorse gay marriage. More here.
The number of signers on a petition urging the White House to deport Morgan has exceeded 65,000 names. Understandably alarmed  at the prospect of  Morgan being hustled back to Britain, a British citizen has started a counter-petition asking that the vainglorious windbag not be returned to Britain.

Happy Christmas!

To all readers, from Wasilla to Waikiki, we wish you a wonderful Christmas!

Barack Obama's Diary: Making merry

Aloha, Diary. It's Christmas! Nothing to do today except maybe some golf and body surfing at the beach within the Marine Corpse Base. Imagine: A whole  day that I can devote to thoughts of myself and how to ensure  my proper place in history as one of the world's finest leaders, if not the finest leader. People accuse me of being too self-absorbed. Let me be perfectly clear, a mind as quick and agile as mine needs  constant external intellectual stimulus or it must turn inwards for intellectual refreshment. Instead of the ancient Tibetan Buddhist chant, Om mani padme Om.  I chant  Choom... mani, padme....Choom. Works for me. Yesterday I had been in a quandary over what to give Michelle for Christmas. Then, after much reflection [that is, admiring my image in the mirror] the perfect gift appeared in my mind's eye like a Star in the East: I am a wise man, I reasoned, so I will give her gold, frankincense and me! I immediately dispatched a minion to Saks in Waikiki for a sack of assorted gold bling and a flask of exotic, expensive perfume. This morning I gave her the aforesaid gifts, then stood bare-chested before her and yelled ta-da! 

Barack Obama's Diary: Me? An egomaniac?

Aloha Diary:   We islanders revert to our native customs when we are over here from what we call the mainland... For me that means saying aloha on all possible occasions,  like at my Presidential briefing this morning, when I noticed that my advisers were eating into my precious golfing time.  I stood up and said: "Guys, our response to Assad's reported use of nerve gas can wait, unlike my round of golf.  Aloha." 
 Meantime, I'm getting real tired of people saying all I ever talk about is me.  Today I saw on the news that a Boston cop  selflessly jumped into frigid waters  to save a woman who had fallen in. I often plunge  into water without hesitation when I am in Hawaii. I like to body surf  and  I  don't slowly walk out into the waves. I  dive straight in and swim. I've never much liked board surfing, because I don't feel a true connection to the sea. I first tried surfing when I was seven. Where was I? Oh, yes, the myth that I'm always talking about me. Au contraire, I have always been interested in other people's lives. This began when I was 11 years old and had begun to realize that there were other people in the world besides me...

Heh! of the Day

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. She is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies: "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.
By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
"Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you."
Source here.

Doh of the Day

Idaho Senator Mike Crapo, a Republican and a Mormon bishop, has been charged with DUI in Virginia. More here.

Cartoon: Christopher Weyant

The Week that was...

 This is the fate of any magazine focused on 
the needs of its Editor-in-Chief, not its readers 

Barack Obama's Diary: Four!

Dear Diary:  Golf, glorious golf! I played a round this morning  at Kailua Marine Corpse base, with four other guys, White House chef Sam Kass, aide Marv Nicholson and two  Hawaiian pals,  including  Bobby Titcomb.  It's always good to see Bobby, though I always have remind myself not to accidentally bring up the occasion when  he was involved in a prostitution sting. Awkwaard.  I played my usual ultra-cool game, leaving my four companions in awe of my skill -- they all smiled and assured me that 11-over-par is an extraordinary achievement.

Barack Obama's Diary: Hey, dudes!

Dear Diary: Here we are in Oahu. My heart leaped as Taxpayer One landed,  coming in low over Pearl Harbor.  Now -- for a few precious days -- no more fiscal cliff, no more John Boehner, just sun and golf, sea and golf, and  the scent of Maui Wowie on  the tropical breeze. Choom time, dudes! Talking of Boehner, those Republicans  truly are clueless when it comes to politics in the Chicago manner; it's like taking candy from a kid. I told Boehner that, if he didn't agree to more  "revenue" and the US went over the fiscal cliff, I would  demonize him and the GOP in both my inaugural address and my state of the union address and  there would be nothing he could do to stop it. Then I left him to sweat it out over the holidays. I love it when a plan comes together.

Cartoon: Rick McKee

[The Augusta Chronicle]

The Dung Beetle award goes to...

The Academy of Dung Beetles' Award is being rolled towards 38-year-old Latoya  Greenwood who began shouting obscenities at a 61-year-old Best Buy employee routinely checking receipts at an exit door. Her husband allegedly smacked the man across the face,  knocking him to the ground. Read more.

Boehner's leap

"That scream? Boehner falling
off the fiscal cliff"

Surf's up!

 "Woo-hoo! Merry Christmas, suckers"

Cartoon: Rick McKee

[The Augusta Chronicle]

The Dung Beetle Award goes to...

The Academy of Dung Beetles' Award goes to this one bad apple among thousands of UPS drivers

President Ego strikes again

There are times when Barack Obama's  ego is so overwhelming  that it defies belief. Here he pays tribute to Senator  Daniel Inouye... by talking endlessly about himself.

Barack Obama's Diary: Carnivorous eyes

Dear Diary: Poor Boehner, I think he was secretly hoping that the Mayans were correct about today, after his 'Plan B' bit him in the butt last night.  As I look forward to my  vacation break in Oahu, he looks forward to a possible permanent break from his role as Speaker.  That's the good news. The bad news is that I've had to nominate John Kerry as Secretary of State. The endless bloviating by Kerry and Biden will turn Cabinet meetings into intolerable, endless, nightmares. I take some comfort from the fact that Hillary 'Concussed' Clinton  will no longer be there, fixing me with her carnivorous eyes.

Slow-mo Joe

"Gun control? But Barack...my gum
control report  is almost ready"

Cartoon: Manny Francisco

[Manila, The Phillippines]

Flat reaction

[From The Looking Spoon]

Headline of the Day

Boehner rejected: GOP snubs 'Plan B'

The House Republican Conference has  turned its back on Speaker John Boehner, forcing GOP leadership to abandon its plan to extend Bush-era tax breaks for income under $1 million.
Read more: 

Cartoon: Nate Beeler

[The Columbus Dispatch]

Michelle's vacation begins

"Barry! I'm in Oahu eating a deep-fried Snickers 
bar."

Cartoon: Eric Allie

[Cagle Cartoons]

Hawaii Five Trillion

"$5 trillion isn't the national deficit, Tim.
It's the cost of our Hawaiian vacation"

The Dung Beetle Award goes to...

The Academy of Dung Beetles' Award is being rolled towards the Texas woman who moves through neighborhoods in the dead of night stealing Christmas decorations.
[Video will appear below]

Cartoon: Nate Beeler

[The Columbus Dispatch]

Cartoon: Rick McKee

[The Augusta Chronicle]

The Dung Beetle Award goes to...

The Academy of Dung Beetles' award is being rolled towards  CitiWide Harm Reduction, the Bronx organization that produced this video of Santa handing out needles and condoms.

Why Hillary is 'working from home'

"Just because everything Hillary Clinton has said about Benghazi has been a lie, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t take her word for it that a dog ate her homework she fell down and hit her head and that’s why she can’t testify about Benghazi this week. After all, what possible motive could she have for lying, other than covering up her own incompetence and keeping this whole debacle from derailing her 2016 hopes?" The Daily Caller has more

Mittstaken

" Thanks, Mitt. But it's Person of the
Year, not Poison of the Year."

Barack Obama's Diary: Diplomatic Corpses

Dear Diary: Today is the day of the annual Diplomatic Corpse Holiday Reception.   Awkwaard,  given  the simultaneous official report on Benghazi killings. Hilary won't be there as she's still nursing her perfectly-timed diplomatic concussion. Meantime I'm trying to find a credible task to keep Joe Biden otherwise occupied. He has previously  publicly confused Iraq with Iran  and might  wish the Arabs a Happy Hanukkah and then tell the Palestinians to stop building settlements on the East Bank. Where Joe goes, World War 3  is  never far behind. I am gratified that Time has recognized me as Person of the Year once again, but, seriously dudes, was there  ever really an alternative?