Dear Diary: Oh lordy, lordy. The selfie that the eye-catching Helle Thorning-Schmidt, Danish PM, took of David Cameron and I at the Mandela memorial, has caused me endless trouble. Michelle, who was not amused, hissed in my ear at the first opportunity: "Barry, you miserable excuse for a man. Just you wait until I get your scrawny ass aboard Air Force One again." Later I saw her talking to Valerie Jarrett who was nodding sympathetically. They were clearly plotting some painful consequence, possibly involving confiscation of the quart-size zip-bag of Durban Poison, obtained for me through President Zuma, and the only weed to rival Blueberry Yum Yum in potency. But enough about me.