Progress Notes for Patient 540463: OBAMA, Barack H.

1/7/14: I had an urgent call from Valerie Jarrett asking me to hurry to Patient's private family apartment where he was having a major breakdown. A Secret Service agent let me in and I proceeded straight to patient's family room where he was sprawled face down on the hideous brown sofa. "Woe, oh woe unto me," he said and plucked listlessly at the rubber band around his right wrist where  I had suggested he wear it so he could pluck it firmly whenever anxiety became unbearable. "What is troubling you,  your Majesty?"  I asked. [patient finds it reassuring to be addressed as a monarch]
"A single name, encapsulates it, Doctor... Gates, Robert Gates. That traitorous spa...spa... spawn of the devil has just published a  boo..boo...book titled Duty, in which he calls into question my impeccable leadership while he was my Secretary of Defense.  It's like Brutus stabbing Julius Caesar. Bastard."
The damage to Patient's ego  was obvious and severe. " I'll give you an injection  to help you sleep, Majesty, and prevent you wandering the halls tonight wringing your hands," I said and gave him a shot of Ativan. He gathered up his satin-edged blankey, Boo-boo, rubbed his cheek with it and while sucking a thumb, the Moron fell deeply asleep. I quietly let myself out, "He'll be better in the morning," I reassured Jarrett, and then  I drove home. ---Dictated by S.H.Rink, M.D.