Barack Obama's Diary: That nasty, rude Putin upset me

Dear Diary:  Me and FLOTUS were choppered from Miami to Key Largo after flying down from D.C. I had I hoped for a well-earned nap on the way to Florida. But Putin decided otherwise. My specially-engraved iPresidentophone tore apart the quiet of my Air Force One cabin as it played Song of the Volga Boatmen sung by the Red Army Choir.  "Hello, Vladimir," I said, for it was he. There was a moment of silence. "Ukrainians got your tongue, Vlad?" I inquired.
"Is that what passes for humor in the U.S. these days, Obamavich? I can't talk freely as I am savoring a delicious bowl of borscht that has just been set before me as I review my plans for completing the invasion of Ukraine."
"No, Vlad. Don't you dare. I have already warned you that there will be costs if you annex Ukraine."
"Obamavich, you moron" he sighed, "you don't seem to realize that there are no "costs" that you and the EU could impose would ever outweigh our desire to return this historically Russian land to Mother Russia. Now GO AWAY, YOU PATHETIC LITTLE MAN! AND DON'T BOTHER ME AGAIN." I disconnected and called Valerie Jarrett who hurried in to hold my hand and reassure me. "Barry," she said. Don't let that nasty, rude man upset you. We'll just put out a statement saying that you and Putin had a "tense conversation. and leave it at that."  I don't know what I would do without Valerie. But enough about me.