Dear Diary: I am delighted to have done all my holiday shopping in good time-- online-- so I can dedicate my time in Hawaii to the serious business of golf. For my progressive friends who delight in taking offence on behalf of everyone else, I chose an ISIS Chia Pet -- a neutral Islamic figure with seedlings growing where the beard would normally be. This seems to have been well-received, among my Arab friends, like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. As a further bonus, I sent one to my old buddy, Fidel Castro, who thanked me profusely, clearly under the impression that it was specially made for him. What a cunning boy am I.
