Dear Diary: I am mortified. One thing of which I have been most proud of since I assumed the mantle of the Presidency, is my gazelle-like elegance descending the stairs of Air Force One, never touching a side-rail, never stumbling... the very essence of athleticism. But today... disaster struck as I stepped out onto the stairs on my return from Florida. I stumbled, quickly recovered, but the spiteful media have been replaying it ever since, with the unspoken implication that I had been hitting the sauce on the flight north. Bastards.