Dim Crims: Man calls 911 over his missing cocaine

An Ohio man called 911 to report that his wife had stolen his cocaine, according to cops who then arrested him on drug and other charges.
Robert Collins, 39, dialed the police  to report the cocaine theft, according to an Alliance Police Department report. When officers arrived at Collins’s residence, he apparently had a change of heart and “refused to tell police why he called 911.”
Investigators reported that Collins, who “had a marijuana pipe in his possession,” was “arrested and charged with misuse of 911 and possessing drug paraphernalia.” 

Carolla defiant about 'incorrect' humor

In an interview with HuffPost Live Thursday, comedian Adam Carolla declared that he will no longer apologize for jokes others find offensive, particularly jokes relating to race and LGBT issues, reports HuffPost Gay Voices.
Known for his highly politically incorrect slant toward race relations and LGBT issues, Carolla has since become a target of censorship happy leftists who have since created a Tumblr blog called Calling Out Carolla, which supposedly documents past "anti-LGBT language" the comedian has used. When asked about his opinion on the blog, Carolla made no concessions for the sake of feelings.
"Go find a politician or somebody who's in charge and poke a popsicle stick up their butt," Carolla said. "I'm a comedian. I'm done apologizing, I really am. ... And by the way, everyone who apologizes is faking it. They're only doing it because they're gonna get canned."
Carolla then emphasized that people are responsible for their own offenses and their feelings are not necessarily his fault.
"You are in charge of your own feelings," he continued. "I'm not in charge of your feelings. I'm here to make jokes. I'm here to make commentaries. I'm here to share my opinions. Tough shit if you don't like it."
Responding to claims that he can't make such jokes because of his "white privilege," Carolla went into his poverty-stricken past.
"I worked cleaning up garbage on construction sites. I got welfare and food stamps. I was as poor as it could be," Carolla said. "And there's no, 'Oh, you don't have to dig because you're white.' ... There's no, 'You don't have to pick up garbage because you're white.' No, you pick up garbage because you're poor. You guys focus on color. Focus on poverty."

Carolla then emphasized that focusing on his jokes does more harm than good, because it distracts from the real racists and real homophobes.

"There's never been a better time in this country's history to actually be a racist, because I'm a racist, according to you guys. So if I'm a racist -- a guy who's never done anything bad to any race -- and you get to go be a racist too, and I'll be the racist and I'll take the heat [in the media]," Carolla said. "If you're an actual racist, these are your salad days, because you're busy pointing at comedians, calling them racist."

Cartoon: Rick McKee

[The Augusta Chronicle]

Cartoon: Aftermath

[Terrellaftermath.com]

Cartoon: Rick McKee

[The Augusta Chronicle]

What will become of Bruce's balls?

Our all-seeing  man in Alaska, TG, sends this: "Over the past year a rash of news stories surfaced speculating whether gold-medal winning Olympic decathlete Bruce Jenner was undergoing a gender transition from male to female. Though Jenner has yet to publicly confirm the story, members of his extended family, including the Kardashian clan, have recently approached various news outlets confirming Jenner's intentions.

 Now it appears a number of world leaders have picked up on the story and are wondering aloud "What will happen to Jenner's balls if he completes the transition?" Sources this week quoted Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu as suggesting it would be a monumental step if Jenner were to donate his balls to U.S. President Barack Obama. Netanyahu stated "Everyone knows Obama has no balls and it would be damn nice if he suddenly had Olympic sized balls. It would be a huge step forward for world peace.”

 German Chancellor Angela Merkel remarked " I don't even have any balls, but everyone tells me I have a bigger set than Obama. I think it would be a great idea.”

 On the other hand, Russian President Vladimir Putin joined Syrian President Bashar Assad in proclaiming that Obama's lack of balls has finally enabled a number of regimes worldwide a fair chance to consolidate their power. Putin, on a shirtless fly fishing expedition in Kanchatka, said "The days of U.S. Presidents with big balls like Reagan are over. Now it's our turn.“

 Iranian President Hassan Rouhani remarked earlier in the week that "It's been great the last six years. It's like playing soccer against the U.S. with no goalie in their net ”

 While world leaders debate the issue, closer to home New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick and Super Bowl MVP quarterback Tom Brady stepped forward to say they would each donate one ball to the President if Jenner does not come through. Belichick, however, cautioned that "The President would have to understand, our balls would be underinflated, but still probably an improvement over what he seems to be working with." Read it all.

Cartoon: Rick McKee

[The Augusta Chronicle]

Why Bibi loathes Obama... and vice versa

Our man in Sydney, Australia, BH, sends us this link to a thoughtful and insightful piece from The Times of Israel

Cartoon: Gary McCoy

[Cagle Cartoons]

Bibi is 'everything Obama is not'

Opening his show Tuesday, Rush Limbaugh  bellowed: “Wow…holy wow” in response to  Benjamin Netanyahu's Congress address, telling his audience that Netanyahu is “everything Barack Obama is not.”
“The optics of this speech were just so overwhelmingly powerful. When I say ‘What could have been,’ this was leadership. This was leadership in full force,” Limbaugh said.
“Benjamin Netanyahu today was everything Barack Obama is not,” Limbaugh continued. “Everything. This speech today even featured Netanyahu turning to a guest in the gallery, much like presidents who deliver State of the Union speeches. Netanyahu’s guest, Elie Wiesel, a Holocaust survivor.”

Cartoon: Aftermath

Cartoon: Rick McKee

Progress Notes for Patient 540463: OBAMA, Barack, H.

3/4/2015: I had prescribed a vacation for myself and Mrs Rink a couple weeks ago, before the Prime Patient's escalating neuroses finally blew off the top of my head. However, it was a futile exercise as we arrived back just as Netanyahu flew in from Tel Aviv. I could tell immediately that Patient had been smoking weed. I entered the family apartment to find Patient in his accustomed state of meltdown, face down  on  the hideous brown sofa, weakly pounding the faux velvet with his fists, imploring the empty room: "Will no-one rid me of this tempestuous Prime Minister?"

Valerie Jarrett materialized. "Barry," she said soothingly, "Dr. Rink will give you a mild sedative, so you awake refreshed for the rigors of tomorrow." She gave me a knowing look and I complied, injecting a modest dose of Ativan, then retired to my little suite one floor below, on call for emergencies.---Dictated by S.H.Rink, M.D.

Cartoon: Nate Beeler

[Columbus Daily Dispatch]

Boehner's tearful tribute: 'Bibi, our closest ally against Obama'

 John Boehner paid a warm tribute to Bibi Netanyahu at a press conference today. Netanyahu had equally high praise for Boehner, saying that “no one has been more steadfast and dedicated in the struggle against your President.”
“This foe is not to be trusted or appeased,” Netanyahu said. “Your resolute refusal to find any common ground with him whatsoever has earned my undying respect.”
As the press conference ended, Boehner appeared to fight back tears as he called Netanyahu “a brother in arms” in ongoing hostilities with Obama.
“A wise man once said that my enemy’s enemy is my friend,” Boehner said, choking up. “You, sir, are my best friend in the world.”