Progress Notes for Patient 540463: Obama, Barack H.

12/06/14  Patient has been in a state of near-hysteria all day, complaining of a persistent sore throat. His physician recommended a CT scan out of "an abundance of caution."  [That phrase beloved of bureaucrats, meaning "if you are going to panic, panic now."] Patient was whisked away to  Walter Reed Military hospital, which further raised his anxiety level, because he is convinced --with some justification --that the  military are hostile towards him. Valerie Jarrett called me in to stay alongside him and give him reassurance. The moment he laid eyes on me, he seized my hand and begged me in a fierce whisper: "Please doctor, I'm terrified that these bastards are going to pull a Joan Rivers on me. Give me something to calm me down...." I gave him a small dose of mild sedative after first consulting with my old medical school buddy, Ronny Jackson, patient's long-suffering physician.  Dictated by S.H.Rink MD.